the end of a year, and the beginning of....

2013 is coming to it's end.  it has been amazing and it has been stressful, it has been painful and it has been healing.  i am finding my way through motherhood.  i am leaning against my husband more than i am being a wife.  i have to change this.  i am learning that i must let go of some things i didn't know i needed to let go of.  i am feeling so sad, broken and hopeful all at once.  life is heartbreaking.  and a child makes it so worth it.

i wanted to start the new year with a clean house.  it didn't happen, but it got at least sort of clean.  the main floor is 'husband clean' (as my husband puts it).  our bathroom is wife clean.  floors and baseboard clean.  outside of the toilet bowl clean.  that makes me happy.  i'll take it.

if i could re-cap the year, i would say that i learned that sometimes we lose things that we weren't expecting and gain things we never knew could exist.  my body will never be the same after having Ivy.  i don't mean the stretch marks and the loose skin.  i mean prolapse, i mean scar tissue, i mean never being able to lift or be as independent as i am used to again.  the year has been marked with this fact and learning to live with it and trying to change it despite what google says.  and in grieving my previous tyndall hauling, piano moving, snow shovelling, house renovating self, i am learning to accept.  accept that we don't get to leave this earth with all that we entered with and grace is learning to live the the fullest despite that.  learning how to model a strong woman to Ivy even if I can't be the one who carries her on my shoulders and swings her around.  even if i have to say, 'mommy can't do that' each and every time she wants me to do the body jungle gym stuff that daddy does.  i want her to see me as strong even if i can't do it all.

more importantly, what stands out for me is the amazing gift of watching my daughter grow.  when the year began, she was still so close to newborn.  she amazed me just as much at that stage, but i just can't believe how much she has grown and changed.  she is becoming a little girl.  if we say 'no biggie', she shrugs her shoulders like it's really no big deal.  when i say goodnight, she kisses me goodnight.  when she hugs me, she pats my back.  the love i have for her could light the whole world.  i feel so lucky to be her mother.  and i love every little bit of my pelvic prolapsed, stretch mark ridden, paunchy bellied body for having brought her to me.  i felt sometimes over the past year that my body let me down, but i was wrong.  it provided a home and a place to grow for my daughter, got her here safely, and pushed her out into the world.  i am eternally grateful.

hello 2014 :)

Ivy

                                       

 So, now I am a mother. I have been a mother for some time. Since sometime in February of last year when my body began to house a little girl who would turn out to be Ivy. And more traditionally for six months and five days, I have been a mother. I tried to start other blogs. I tried to write it all down on paper. I always end up missing my old blog. I always come back.

 Because she is six months old, it's hard to know where to start. From the start of her life on the outside, she has made the world quiet down around me. Those first few weeks, my body was so broken from birthing her and I couldn't do much, but I could hold her and stare at her and be amazed. My favourite times were in the middle of the night when it felt like the whole world was asleep except Ivy and I. I would sit in the yellow chair in the living room with music playing quietly and nurse her. The peace of her existence was so intense to me. The extent to which everything had just changed felt like a relief somehow. Maybe life had been getting too busy and ebbing away at my perspective. I joked that motherhood was the new traveling. I felt the kind of clarity I had only ever experienced traveling, except it ran even deeper. I never knew that motherhood would feel so freeing. I had always feared it would steal freedom. Not once we were pregnant, but for years in the not so distant past. Instead, it opened me up. I began to look so forward to each new day. I wake up to this beautiful smiling little face and I am excited to be graced with the gift of her light and her laughter and getting to help her learn the world. Every day there is something new. Every day that light in her eyes brightens my whole world. I am so lucky to be her mother.

in my heart there was a child.

sometimes i can't tell if i'm young or old. if i'm wise or foolish. if i am right or wrong.

am i supposed to be less decided? should i let more happen the way it does and want less to change outcomes, even when they are unhealthy? there is a zen buddhist in me, lifetimes away who says yes. i'm just not there yet. i am working on it though, with many failures under my belt. i say that gently because i know that we fail in life and it doesn't mean we'll never succeed. i just have a tough time to put aside some hard feelings to move past certain things. i have a hard time forgiving situations that perpetuate. that much i can see. it makes me go back to the first line of this post.

i want a nice little space that is like a fire crackling away in the fireplace in a room that is warm in thought and in light and heat. i want to find more artistic elements in my days. i want to retain freedom even in the things that steal it. i want to lend my freedom to some beautiful little people who will teach me humility and test how irish i am and show me what it is to be alive. i want to not let it all ebb away at my love for all that i love. i want to walk down the aisle. i want all that i have. i am afraid but not of what i have, more of what i have to lose. that is no way to live, but i can't help but grasp sometimes. i have so much..

grace

the other day i found an old suitcase in the basement. it was filled with memories of a younger self, a different time. a necklace that represented love, match books i used to light cigarettes with, a notebook with addresses to write home to, a photograph of an old friend and i in our youth, a poem, a train ticket, the sleeve from a mixed tape listing the songs meant to keep me company on the road, vials of essential oils with smells that bring me back. the suitcase itself smells of comfort and memory inside. i'm not sure how it got such a delicate and welcoming smell, all closed up for so long. i'm glad it does.

the mirror built in to the lid of the suitcase is broken and even that is comforting, just knowing that the years of bad luck that might have ensued have long passed. like everything else in the suitcase, any burden it carried has long since subsided. a good reminder in itself.

the memories are sweet. i was alone a lot back then. i kept company with strangers more than friends. strangers became my friends. i played guitar more. i sang more. i wrote more. i timed my days around dusk, rain, meteorites, falling leaves. i was a regular in coffee shops, i was less confident and more wise. i was not afraid and for that, i love that suitcase the most.

and so, the last few days have been to remind me. of letting myself be guided, of finding beauty in the small things, of how beautiful of a life i have been graced to be a part of.

which brings me here, to a new space in my home where i hope to be able to take some of what lives inside my mind and heart and let it have a place outside of me. it is simple and clean and beautiful. it is a blank canvas, minus the intimidation ;)

the wisdom to know the difference

i feel like i break things trying sometimes.

all of this coming together and coming apart

it's peaceful with him. as we prepare to marry, i am so grateful for the love we have found. i feel at peace when i cook him a meal. he feels at peace when he carries for me what i used to carry alone.

with my parents, it is peaceful. my mom sees our love and knows our family will grow. my dad sees our love and i know he loves chris for loving me with the same grace and patience as he does. they both love him for taking care of me.

it is peaceful with friends. the friends who celebrate him with me feel like a part of our extended family and i am so grateful for them.

it is peaceful in business. we have gained great neighbors and friends and to find those things in a business partnership is serendipitous.

it is peaceful with extended family. when i least expect it, certain people reach out in small ways and i appreciate it.

and then there is the coming apart. maybe they would have come apart anyway. or maybe my value with them was that i was alone. maybe there was some kind of brotherhood in being single. except that i never valued being alone as a brotherhood. i valued it for the things i learned through solitude. i relished in it after relationships that were a struggle. i loved it for what it was. but i never hung my hat on it. somehow, in finding love, i have let some people down. it's hard to know whether to look at it as an ending. i guess for now, i hold judgement and wait.

some of the coming apart is in ways i could not have imagined. it is disheartening to know that my presence in his life seems to be threat to some and a cold draft comes at me instead of love. i never saw it coming.

and then there is that single rose whose thorns have been more evident than its petals. i am finally at peace with letting go.

i miss my blog

i keep trying to start new blogs. they're all over. typepad, blogger, but none of them feel like home. i just miss my old blog. why is it any different i wonder.. strange that a computer page can be so comforting, drenched with all your old thoughts..

so, i'll come back here, to these vacant halls of my familiar old blog...

* * *

i read today that in order to go through certain doors, to cross thresholds, we must put down what we carry, open the door and then take only what we need to bring inside. we cannot hold onto things and enter. i'm having a hard time putting things down to enter. i just don't know how to.

so, he did take care of me, look out for me, protect me. the moment i realized that he had already been doing it, i tried to make sure he did not see that i was crying because it would look silly for me to be crying out of nowhere like that.

it seems like time for this blog to end.. it is filled with old love and things that represent a different time in my life. i think it is time for a new space to write in. i miss writing with a pen. i may bring back the pen. where you can't backspace and all of your mind changing is evident.

sometimes i just want him to defend my honor. i admit it. i am not a damsel in distress. i am not incapable of holding my own. i just want him to see that i am not faring well, and take me out of there. not because i asked. i want him to do it because he does not want to see me feeling that way. his chivalry in every other way is amazing, and rare, so i don't mean to ask for more. it just makes me feel so alone to be on my own with it..

i am finding out that i am happy. i am trying to let go of all the things i never really know i'm holding onto. i am feeling loneliness leave my body. it's being replaced with love. not only from chris. from the people who couldn't permeate me quite as well when i kept up such a high guard. from my parents. from friends who are becoming like family. from people who are almost strangers.

it's what i wanted for so long. family. i was looking for it in the wrong places. i was feeling let down. i was building walls and alliances with solitude. i believed it was what i was most cut out for.

it's what some people loved in me. i am not sure if they will still love me as i move away from that solitary life, time will tell. my days feel richer with the love family brings. not monthly or weekly visits, but a daily presence. i want children. i still find my time alone vital and enjoyable, but i want to spend it in the garden or in our home. i love creating a space for us to raise children in, gather with friends and family in, grow old in..

it seems like life is reminding me these days about how a heart can break. like a river thawing in the spring, sometimes it breaks with small cracks that you can hear before see and sometimes with such thunder that it's hard to believe we can withstand it.

we're petty. we're generally petty. when our hearts break enough, we sometimes listen. i want to listen even when my hearts not breaking.

our house is becoming a home. trucker went away and i gained perspective and nothing changed. i still look over at him and love the authority of his brow. i still am amazed at how much he knows. he still keeps me in check and knows where my bookmark is when i am reading on the couch and need to put my book down. 'under your left thigh' he says and i can't do anything but feel lucky and mark my page..

cold snap

i love winter as it settles in like a dog circling his bed before curling up. dusk throws blue light over fresh snow, the air is fresh and the world feels clean.

my love of winter ends at -20, and my distain for it kicks in at -25. the ruts in the roads, the bitter cold, the way exhaust hangs in the air, it all feels unkind. the nights don't seem to find purple skies and our bodies get in the habit of tensing up.

amazingly it ends every year, but we're still a ways away from hearing the loud, beautiful thunder of rivers unthawing. i look forward to more gentle air..

i didn't even realize the heaviness. it followed me like it loved something about me. i didn't love it back, but it stuck around until i figured out another way. there was a dullness for a couple of years. it was hard to notice sometimes, it didn't steal enough to always see. it showed itself more by the contrast of its absence when it disappeared. it went away like dark things that don't matter anymore. it feels like forgiveness.


a train is coming through again.

now has become the new now

an actual present tense, without living for something in the future or holding on to something in the past. i wake up in the morning and look forward to my day. i leave the house, pick up a coffee and begin building. setting up shop is almost complete, and now we go to marketing. it is like getting to exercise muscles that have been dying to be used.

it is great to feel alive again. to feel proud of what i am doing again. and in love! we have passed a threshold. it is a relief to not want to keep him at bay or keep things from getting serious. it is my pattern to do so. to keep myself alone. i am used to getting uncomfortable when someone starts to grow feelings for me. and for awhile i was wincing, waiting for it to happen, for the usual sadness and disappointment i feel to finally admit to myself that it is not working, for the heaviness of having hurt someone else. for the relief to be on my own. but it didn't come. what has come instead is a steadiness. a warm love. a smile to myself during my day when i think about him.

last night i couldn't sleep because a neighbor of my parents is harassing them and upsetting my mom quite a lot. i don't want anyone hurting my parents, affecting their sleep or their sense of well-being in any way. this sense of anger that someone was stealing restful nights from my mom was keeping me from resting as well. and then i thought of him. he is on the road, and while he was not beside me to put his hand on my back, i realized that he is beside me always now. it amazes me how much his love was able to make me feel better. it felt like when i was younger and couldn't sleep and my mom would make the couch up with sheets and a blanket and pillow, make me tea and rub my back until i fell asleep (i still sleep on the couch when i'm feeling uncertain...). it feels like.. relief. to have that feeling back, of feeling like someone's love for you is enough to keep the bad things away. to carry you through the things that are hard. to accept you for all that you are. to celebrate with you the good things.

i meant to write about other things, but i'll save those for another day..

moving on

tomorrow i start a new chapter. i become a business owner. i leave behind the old, it has become a burden so much so that i have lost most of the sadness of leaving. when my guard is down, i still see it. i see myself over-react at things and know i am still hurt.

so it's there, but i am moving on. maybe i carry a little sadness with me. certainly the disappointment. always hard to learn how to let go of those things.

looking forward, i am content and grateful at the opportunities i am now creating for myself. i am happy to break away from those who were offering them before. they came at a cost that i still can't really understand.

tomorrow i wake up and begin to build a company.

i am in love.. i guess i have said it, but it deserves being said twice. it deserves being said over and over.. it is amazing.

our house. our house.. last night we ran to the window to watch the three deer in our yard. we went to the bedroom to watch the one who stuck around as it walked to the south of the yard. in our darkened room so that we could see outside, we watched this beautiful buck with a missing antler graze in our yard. earlier i had gone out back and stood only feet away from a beautiful girl deer who looked at me and wagged her tail. we looked at each other for a bit and then she started to walk away. she looked back at me and i waved at her and told her i'd see her next time.

he is so good to me, Trucker.. the last couple of days have been rough for me. trouble with a friend and with my mom. the stress of starting a new business, leaving behind the old. the challenge of hearing what is being said. it is a time of transition. i take comfort in his love.

it happened so quickly, i know now what grandmothers mean when they say they knew..

it feels amazing to be in love. for years i have been in patient anticipation and i am so grateful to have found him. and to have been found.

two days ago we bought our first house together. i have to write about it so that something is recorded so that i never forget a detail. i had seen the house already while he was out of town and i had loved it. when we walked in together, Trucker began pointing out things excitedly. he loved it. i had worried that he would be turned off by how much work it will need or by the pink toilet, sink and tub in the bathroom or the radiator heat. but he just held my hand as we walked through and smiled and grew excitement for it. he loved the original sixties basement with speakers built into the wall, the inset lighting, the old wet bar. he even loved the grungy storage area in the basement. it was like watching a kid open a gift they love on Christmas morning. the night before i could barely sleep feeling that same kind of anticipation. it is a rare thing as an adult that you are so excited about an event that you can't sleep. it was great to see his excitement join with mine. when we had a moment to ourselves in the basement he took my hand and said, 'you did good, baby'. i smiled up at him and fell in love a little bit more.

after walking around the yard and looking at the garage (garage!), we stood on the driveway and i looked at him and said 'so, yes?' and without hesitation he confirmed, 'yes'. we walked around the truck parked in the driveway and i told Sasha, the owner's son (who was handling the sale) that the big boss says yes. we went inside and did up the paperwork. i sat at the old dining table in the dining room, Trucker stood beside me. after we had both signed, i stood up and walked back into the living room as Sasha and Trucker talked about the house a little. i looked around our living room and down the hall at where one day our children's rooms will be. i stood in our future and fought back tears. i felt the life where i was on my own come to an official end. when Trucker joined me in the living room i slipped my arm around him and he pulled me in beside him. this is our house. and it's already filled with love and happiness.