2013 is coming to it's end. it has been amazing and it has been stressful, it has been painful and it has been healing. i am finding my way through motherhood. i am leaning against my husband more than i am being a wife. i have to change this. i am learning that i must let go of some things i didn't know i needed to let go of. i am feeling so sad, broken and hopeful all at once. life is heartbreaking. and a child makes it so worth it.
i wanted to start the new year with a clean house. it didn't happen, but it got at least sort of clean. the main floor is 'husband clean' (as my husband puts it). our bathroom is wife clean. floors and baseboard clean. outside of the toilet bowl clean. that makes me happy. i'll take it.
if i could re-cap the year, i would say that i learned that sometimes we lose things that we weren't expecting and gain things we never knew could exist. my body will never be the same after having Ivy. i don't mean the stretch marks and the loose skin. i mean prolapse, i mean scar tissue, i mean never being able to lift or be as independent as i am used to again. the year has been marked with this fact and learning to live with it and trying to change it despite what google says. and in grieving my previous tyndall hauling, piano moving, snow shovelling, house renovating self, i am learning to accept. accept that we don't get to leave this earth with all that we entered with and grace is learning to live the the fullest despite that. learning how to model a strong woman to Ivy even if I can't be the one who carries her on my shoulders and swings her around. even if i have to say, 'mommy can't do that' each and every time she wants me to do the body jungle gym stuff that daddy does. i want her to see me as strong even if i can't do it all.
more importantly, what stands out for me is the amazing gift of watching my daughter grow. when the year began, she was still so close to newborn. she amazed me just as much at that stage, but i just can't believe how much she has grown and changed. she is becoming a little girl. if we say 'no biggie', she shrugs her shoulders like it's really no big deal. when i say goodnight, she kisses me goodnight. when she hugs me, she pats my back. the love i have for her could light the whole world. i feel so lucky to be her mother. and i love every little bit of my pelvic prolapsed, stretch mark ridden, paunchy bellied body for having brought her to me. i felt sometimes over the past year that my body let me down, but i was wrong. it provided a home and a place to grow for my daughter, got her here safely, and pushed her out into the world. i am eternally grateful.
hello 2014 :)
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