now has become the new now

an actual present tense, without living for something in the future or holding on to something in the past. i wake up in the morning and look forward to my day. i leave the house, pick up a coffee and begin building. setting up shop is almost complete, and now we go to marketing. it is like getting to exercise muscles that have been dying to be used.

it is great to feel alive again. to feel proud of what i am doing again. and in love! we have passed a threshold. it is a relief to not want to keep him at bay or keep things from getting serious. it is my pattern to do so. to keep myself alone. i am used to getting uncomfortable when someone starts to grow feelings for me. and for awhile i was wincing, waiting for it to happen, for the usual sadness and disappointment i feel to finally admit to myself that it is not working, for the heaviness of having hurt someone else. for the relief to be on my own. but it didn't come. what has come instead is a steadiness. a warm love. a smile to myself during my day when i think about him.

last night i couldn't sleep because a neighbor of my parents is harassing them and upsetting my mom quite a lot. i don't want anyone hurting my parents, affecting their sleep or their sense of well-being in any way. this sense of anger that someone was stealing restful nights from my mom was keeping me from resting as well. and then i thought of him. he is on the road, and while he was not beside me to put his hand on my back, i realized that he is beside me always now. it amazes me how much his love was able to make me feel better. it felt like when i was younger and couldn't sleep and my mom would make the couch up with sheets and a blanket and pillow, make me tea and rub my back until i fell asleep (i still sleep on the couch when i'm feeling uncertain...). it feels like.. relief. to have that feeling back, of feeling like someone's love for you is enough to keep the bad things away. to carry you through the things that are hard. to accept you for all that you are. to celebrate with you the good things.

i meant to write about other things, but i'll save those for another day..