i am in love.. i guess i have said it, but it deserves being said twice. it deserves being said over and over.. it is amazing.

our house. our house.. last night we ran to the window to watch the three deer in our yard. we went to the bedroom to watch the one who stuck around as it walked to the south of the yard. in our darkened room so that we could see outside, we watched this beautiful buck with a missing antler graze in our yard. earlier i had gone out back and stood only feet away from a beautiful girl deer who looked at me and wagged her tail. we looked at each other for a bit and then she started to walk away. she looked back at me and i waved at her and told her i'd see her next time.

he is so good to me, Trucker.. the last couple of days have been rough for me. trouble with a friend and with my mom. the stress of starting a new business, leaving behind the old. the challenge of hearing what is being said. it is a time of transition. i take comfort in his love.

it happened so quickly, i know now what grandmothers mean when they say they knew..

it feels amazing to be in love. for years i have been in patient anticipation and i am so grateful to have found him. and to have been found.

two days ago we bought our first house together. i have to write about it so that something is recorded so that i never forget a detail. i had seen the house already while he was out of town and i had loved it. when we walked in together, Trucker began pointing out things excitedly. he loved it. i had worried that he would be turned off by how much work it will need or by the pink toilet, sink and tub in the bathroom or the radiator heat. but he just held my hand as we walked through and smiled and grew excitement for it. he loved the original sixties basement with speakers built into the wall, the inset lighting, the old wet bar. he even loved the grungy storage area in the basement. it was like watching a kid open a gift they love on Christmas morning. the night before i could barely sleep feeling that same kind of anticipation. it is a rare thing as an adult that you are so excited about an event that you can't sleep. it was great to see his excitement join with mine. when we had a moment to ourselves in the basement he took my hand and said, 'you did good, baby'. i smiled up at him and fell in love a little bit more.

after walking around the yard and looking at the garage (garage!), we stood on the driveway and i looked at him and said 'so, yes?' and without hesitation he confirmed, 'yes'. we walked around the truck parked in the driveway and i told Sasha, the owner's son (who was handling the sale) that the big boss says yes. we went inside and did up the paperwork. i sat at the old dining table in the dining room, Trucker stood beside me. after we had both signed, i stood up and walked back into the living room as Sasha and Trucker talked about the house a little. i looked around our living room and down the hall at where one day our children's rooms will be. i stood in our future and fought back tears. i felt the life where i was on my own come to an official end. when Trucker joined me in the living room i slipped my arm around him and he pulled me in beside him. this is our house. and it's already filled with love and happiness.

i'm busy and i'm happy and my mind works overtime when i do. i think a lot these days about change. i think about moving to the lake. i think about leaving real estate. i think about starting a different kind of business. and then i stay where i am and continue doing what i am doing. and find myself oddly happy for both. it perplexes me. how happy i can be doing the thing that drives me to want change.

it's sort of like, sometimes i want a child. not a right now child, but a one day in the not entirely distant future child. and then sometimes i realize how happy i am in my life of total freedom. and i wonder if i would miss my freedom too much. i wonder if i would realize too late that i am not cut out for it. that i should have stayed doing what i was doing. like management. i know management and babies are different, but when i realized that management was not for me, i was able to go back to what i used to do. how can i know if i would be happy still?

i work. it's what i do. and i'm happy when i'm doing it. okay, sometimes it drives me crazy.

when i'm not working, i love the leisure of cooking and working around the house or yard. being at the lake. i guess with babies, i could draw more of my satisfaction from those things.. but would i miss it?

i would need to find a way to earn a living. not that Trucker would not provide for me, because i know he would, and knowing that is a peaceful feeling. i would need my own income not out of necessity but so as not to lose any more freedom than i would lose in bearing children in the first place. maybe it's why i seek change. maybe i need to start finding my way towards a way to earn my own money outside of selling real estate. while remaining self-employed. no, while becoming a business owner.

so that is what i want. to find my way to a form of income that is feasible should that Trucker and i so decide on babies.

i miss writing. i keep stopping, i shouldn't. i should write and write, really.

i am getting back to feeling at home in my life. management was wrong for me. it was a job and it made me feel unlike myself. i'm glad to be back to freedom.

and so with this freedom, i am finding myself comfortable again. i am more productive. i am happier. i have Trucker.. he's lovely. i couldn't see exactly how lovely at first and he just stayed near until i did. he seemed to know. he had a confidence that i belonged with him. as many times as i told him it would not work out, told him not to fall for me, he would tell me that he was not going let me push him away. i remember when he started to win me. it was summer and we were having dinner on the patio of the keg on moray and he looked at me and said, you know what you are? you're my june carter. i can almost climb back into that moment, where i tilted my head and looked at him the way you might look at someone who just made you question something you always thought you knew. i smiled and he held my gaze while the future began to take hold. he had the look of someone who knew. like he'd been to the future and just knew.

everything makes me sad today. everything makes my heart ache. the unknown. a photo of my cousin standing. track 11. my dad getting older.

and at the same time i feel calm. of all the times i have loved being on my own, i am so glad to not be on my own now.

i feel like something is coming. something sad. there are all sorts of small endings inching it closer. i just want to stop time here. slow things down. enjoy life with everyone i love.

when i was in italy last year, i sat alone at a table at an outdoor restaurant in rome, near vatican city. an excerpt from my journal; when i look beside me, i see green and wrought iron and lanterns and old buildings with shutters and vines that creep arched openings that spill out with plants and flowers. the top of what might be a church. blue sky. one red flower. the wind is light and it feels like roberto's kisses. i want to stay right here, in this moment. i am overwhelmed with how badly i just want life to pause right here. tears come from nowhere. from forgetting to be kissed. from happiness. from gratitude. from relief that i finally remembered to stop. from knowing that if i could really pause here, i would always have my parents, i would always be young, i would know that later today a beautiful man would look at me and kiss me. and so this becomes a moment where life stops. a moment where life begins again.

that moment was like a precursor. a gift. a reminder to give thanks. to enjoy what you have while you have it. i cried so hard on that patio in rome, without knowing where it was coming from. the poor waiter didn't know what to do. i was the only one there and he just let me be. i left light as air.

looking at the date of that entry, it was almost exactly a year ago today. it has been on my mind lately.. no matter where you are, there fall is.

no big differences these days, just the same old walkaway

one person always seems to be holding more cards than the other. it feels wrong to hold the heavier hand and worse still to lose them all..

i wish i knew myself better.. so often i think i do, but then i find out how little i know when love comes near.. i see it up ahead, coming towards me and i start complaining about everything. i start picking apart all the reasons it could not work. i start pushing him. not sure if i want him to push back to set my mind at ease that he won’t let me push too hard or if i want to just push him away.

what i want is for him to reach over and take away some of my cards. without being unkind or unfair. just to take them from me. and to know that i am still safe with him without them.

but instead, he is kind and fair and good and lets me keep any cards i choose. i turn against him and then wonder what is wrong with me.


* * *

and now i see that i struggle through my days. i am turning harder and harder. forgetting more. leaving behind consciousness. living inside a false consciousness. the question why begs an answer. i know when it began. i considered myself trapped, and ultimately was, considering the consequence of breaking commitment. i began to allow my days to involve too many things i am not about. i did it all behind a heavy door and some bad feelings. now as i anticipate the opening of that door, i have considered my only option turning to two and they have become as heavy as the initial burden, sparked with excitement at the possibility of light.

only now do i see that i have to consider that neither of those options may be right for me. only now do i see how important it really is that i not choose but rather listen. it is time to take some risks again. it's time to quiet down and listen..

i still like you, regardless

it's familiar and new all at once. it's a bird in a cage in my mind and in the trees by the lake in real life.

it's so graceful the way he talks to them. he's beautiful and interesting through the blades of grass. he picks me a dandelion and we decide that the light refracting through faraway raindrops is for us. a reward. we buy a lottery ticket.

we drink whiskey by the fire. there is some kind of truth to whiskey drinking, so we keep on. his eyes are alive the way they were the night i met him.. that night his eyes were shining with light and warmth. i wanted to make him a meal. i wanted to touch his hand. i wanted to know everything about him, all in a moment. not to have him. just to remember how warm a hand on my back can feel. just to put my armor down for a time.

he looked like relief. with an underlying sadness that relief often sits on. i know that relief. i was there too. he began to tell me that there are things that are not the same as this moment, but the others started to come back into the cottage and he switched tracks, effortlessly. he threw logs into the fire and joked with no abandon and i laughed so hard i never wanted to leave. when i did leave, he looked at me like it was not possible. i agreed secretly and left anyway.

and now the question is, will i keep leaving? and i try to guard against it and keep him at bay. he writes me at note while we play chess. he places it in his bishop and i sacrifice mine to get it; i still like you, regardless.