one person always seems to be holding more cards than the other. it feels wrong to hold the heavier hand and worse still to lose them all..
i wish i knew myself better.. so often i think i do, but then i find out how little i know when love comes near.. i see it up ahead, coming towards me and i start complaining about everything. i start picking apart all the reasons it could not work. i start pushing him. not sure if i want him to push back to set my mind at ease that he won’t let me push too hard or if i want to just push him away.
what i want is for him to reach over and take away some of my cards. without being unkind or unfair. just to take them from me. and to know that i am still safe with him without them.
but instead, he is kind and fair and good and lets me keep any cards i choose. i turn against him and then wonder what is wrong with me.
* * *
and now i see that i struggle through my days. i am turning harder and harder. forgetting more. leaving behind consciousness. living inside a false consciousness. the question why begs an answer. i know when it began. i considered myself trapped, and ultimately was, considering the consequence of breaking commitment. i began to allow my days to involve too many things i am not about. i did it all behind a heavy door and some bad feelings. now as i anticipate the opening of that door, i have considered my only option turning to two and they have become as heavy as the initial burden, sparked with excitement at the possibility of light.
only now do i see that i have to consider that neither of those options may be right for me. only now do i see how important it really is that i not choose but rather listen. it is time to take some risks again. it's time to quiet down and listen..
No comments:
Post a Comment