i'm busy and i'm happy and my mind works overtime when i do. i think a lot these days about change. i think about moving to the lake. i think about leaving real estate. i think about starting a different kind of business. and then i stay where i am and continue doing what i am doing. and find myself oddly happy for both. it perplexes me. how happy i can be doing the thing that drives me to want change.

it's sort of like, sometimes i want a child. not a right now child, but a one day in the not entirely distant future child. and then sometimes i realize how happy i am in my life of total freedom. and i wonder if i would miss my freedom too much. i wonder if i would realize too late that i am not cut out for it. that i should have stayed doing what i was doing. like management. i know management and babies are different, but when i realized that management was not for me, i was able to go back to what i used to do. how can i know if i would be happy still?

i work. it's what i do. and i'm happy when i'm doing it. okay, sometimes it drives me crazy.

when i'm not working, i love the leisure of cooking and working around the house or yard. being at the lake. i guess with babies, i could draw more of my satisfaction from those things.. but would i miss it?

i would need to find a way to earn a living. not that Trucker would not provide for me, because i know he would, and knowing that is a peaceful feeling. i would need my own income not out of necessity but so as not to lose any more freedom than i would lose in bearing children in the first place. maybe it's why i seek change. maybe i need to start finding my way towards a way to earn my own money outside of selling real estate. while remaining self-employed. no, while becoming a business owner.

so that is what i want. to find my way to a form of income that is feasible should that Trucker and i so decide on babies.