i just realized that i don't equal faith to him. i represent a betrayal to his faith and i don't know quite what to do with that yet. he said: "I know I can't get what I want or need by talking to you, but I'm doing it anyway". it occured to me a moment ago how absurd it is in my world (and i acknowledge that it is just my world i speak of) that two people can be in love and bring life to each other the way we do and a difference in religion is a wall (!) even though when it comes down to it we live by the same moral cloth basically. i thought that faith is blind. it doesn't matter what you call it. you do your best to live a good life, do right by others and not cause harm and not judge. does it matter what you call it? do you have to call it anything? if there is a force that drives you, something larger than yourself, does it matter if you can't name it? why does he keep contacting me if he can't get what he wants or needs? what is it he wants? why does he need me to worship the same way he does? what if i want to do it in fields and rain storms quietly on my own? am i wrong for that? does it have to be organized? the answer for me is no. i am most content to find my spirituality in the life around me without naming it. what perplexes me right now is that the spirituality that he has chosen is not welcoming of me however i find it in my life. what i have found - and i am never done learning - but what i have found so far is that spirituality represents non-judgement among all the other things it represents. it is one of the big ones. and yet, judgement has been set. i don't make the grade. so why keep talking to me? i dont' mind - i'll accept whatever presence he offers in my life, this is just a thread of thought in my mind. i don't even mind that i dont' make the grade, i just feel like pondering the situation for a bit. holding it in my hand and turning it over curiously wondering at it. it seemed that he was not happy. that he missed me. that he was confused. "just that I know I can get language from you" he said. when he asked if i felt the conversation leading down the path of desire he followed with - ( will she answer truthfully and how will i know? ) i love that. i love the way we speak. the way we backspace. the way we can't help it. but that's messy and he likes clean.

even if he came around. decided it didn't matter, i would know that would change. i would know that it does matter to him and i would not attempt to ignore that. but regardless of the fact that i would not be with him again, i don't want anything else. how do you top that? how do you even come close? i do not say that i will never be with anyone again, just that i don't want it now. and i don't want it soon. i fell in love. with someone who made me a better person. with someone who i always thought i must have imagined. i thought maybe the sun dipped behind a mountain and cast the right shadows and we must have said the perfect things to each other and we must have both been far enough from home to feel such peace. but i will always feel that peace with him, mountains or no mountains, home or far away, young or old. i wanted to see him age. he will be beautiful old.

i want to backspace most of this. there will be heavy editing in the days to come.