all of this coming together and coming apart

it's peaceful with him. as we prepare to marry, i am so grateful for the love we have found. i feel at peace when i cook him a meal. he feels at peace when he carries for me what i used to carry alone.

with my parents, it is peaceful. my mom sees our love and knows our family will grow. my dad sees our love and i know he loves chris for loving me with the same grace and patience as he does. they both love him for taking care of me.

it is peaceful with friends. the friends who celebrate him with me feel like a part of our extended family and i am so grateful for them.

it is peaceful in business. we have gained great neighbors and friends and to find those things in a business partnership is serendipitous.

it is peaceful with extended family. when i least expect it, certain people reach out in small ways and i appreciate it.

and then there is the coming apart. maybe they would have come apart anyway. or maybe my value with them was that i was alone. maybe there was some kind of brotherhood in being single. except that i never valued being alone as a brotherhood. i valued it for the things i learned through solitude. i relished in it after relationships that were a struggle. i loved it for what it was. but i never hung my hat on it. somehow, in finding love, i have let some people down. it's hard to know whether to look at it as an ending. i guess for now, i hold judgement and wait.

some of the coming apart is in ways i could not have imagined. it is disheartening to know that my presence in his life seems to be threat to some and a cold draft comes at me instead of love. i never saw it coming.

and then there is that single rose whose thorns have been more evident than its petals. i am finally at peace with letting go.

i miss my blog

i keep trying to start new blogs. they're all over. typepad, blogger, but none of them feel like home. i just miss my old blog. why is it any different i wonder.. strange that a computer page can be so comforting, drenched with all your old thoughts..

so, i'll come back here, to these vacant halls of my familiar old blog...

* * *

i read today that in order to go through certain doors, to cross thresholds, we must put down what we carry, open the door and then take only what we need to bring inside. we cannot hold onto things and enter. i'm having a hard time putting things down to enter. i just don't know how to.

so, he did take care of me, look out for me, protect me. the moment i realized that he had already been doing it, i tried to make sure he did not see that i was crying because it would look silly for me to be crying out of nowhere like that.

it seems like time for this blog to end.. it is filled with old love and things that represent a different time in my life. i think it is time for a new space to write in. i miss writing with a pen. i may bring back the pen. where you can't backspace and all of your mind changing is evident.

sometimes i just want him to defend my honor. i admit it. i am not a damsel in distress. i am not incapable of holding my own. i just want him to see that i am not faring well, and take me out of there. not because i asked. i want him to do it because he does not want to see me feeling that way. his chivalry in every other way is amazing, and rare, so i don't mean to ask for more. it just makes me feel so alone to be on my own with it..

i am finding out that i am happy. i am trying to let go of all the things i never really know i'm holding onto. i am feeling loneliness leave my body. it's being replaced with love. not only from chris. from the people who couldn't permeate me quite as well when i kept up such a high guard. from my parents. from friends who are becoming like family. from people who are almost strangers.

it's what i wanted for so long. family. i was looking for it in the wrong places. i was feeling let down. i was building walls and alliances with solitude. i believed it was what i was most cut out for.

it's what some people loved in me. i am not sure if they will still love me as i move away from that solitary life, time will tell. my days feel richer with the love family brings. not monthly or weekly visits, but a daily presence. i want children. i still find my time alone vital and enjoyable, but i want to spend it in the garden or in our home. i love creating a space for us to raise children in, gather with friends and family in, grow old in..

it seems like life is reminding me these days about how a heart can break. like a river thawing in the spring, sometimes it breaks with small cracks that you can hear before see and sometimes with such thunder that it's hard to believe we can withstand it.

we're petty. we're generally petty. when our hearts break enough, we sometimes listen. i want to listen even when my hearts not breaking.

our house is becoming a home. trucker went away and i gained perspective and nothing changed. i still look over at him and love the authority of his brow. i still am amazed at how much he knows. he still keeps me in check and knows where my bookmark is when i am reading on the couch and need to put my book down. 'under your left thigh' he says and i can't do anything but feel lucky and mark my page..

cold snap

i love winter as it settles in like a dog circling his bed before curling up. dusk throws blue light over fresh snow, the air is fresh and the world feels clean.

my love of winter ends at -20, and my distain for it kicks in at -25. the ruts in the roads, the bitter cold, the way exhaust hangs in the air, it all feels unkind. the nights don't seem to find purple skies and our bodies get in the habit of tensing up.

amazingly it ends every year, but we're still a ways away from hearing the loud, beautiful thunder of rivers unthawing. i look forward to more gentle air..

i didn't even realize the heaviness. it followed me like it loved something about me. i didn't love it back, but it stuck around until i figured out another way. there was a dullness for a couple of years. it was hard to notice sometimes, it didn't steal enough to always see. it showed itself more by the contrast of its absence when it disappeared. it went away like dark things that don't matter anymore. it feels like forgiveness.


a train is coming through again.

now has become the new now

an actual present tense, without living for something in the future or holding on to something in the past. i wake up in the morning and look forward to my day. i leave the house, pick up a coffee and begin building. setting up shop is almost complete, and now we go to marketing. it is like getting to exercise muscles that have been dying to be used.

it is great to feel alive again. to feel proud of what i am doing again. and in love! we have passed a threshold. it is a relief to not want to keep him at bay or keep things from getting serious. it is my pattern to do so. to keep myself alone. i am used to getting uncomfortable when someone starts to grow feelings for me. and for awhile i was wincing, waiting for it to happen, for the usual sadness and disappointment i feel to finally admit to myself that it is not working, for the heaviness of having hurt someone else. for the relief to be on my own. but it didn't come. what has come instead is a steadiness. a warm love. a smile to myself during my day when i think about him.

last night i couldn't sleep because a neighbor of my parents is harassing them and upsetting my mom quite a lot. i don't want anyone hurting my parents, affecting their sleep or their sense of well-being in any way. this sense of anger that someone was stealing restful nights from my mom was keeping me from resting as well. and then i thought of him. he is on the road, and while he was not beside me to put his hand on my back, i realized that he is beside me always now. it amazes me how much his love was able to make me feel better. it felt like when i was younger and couldn't sleep and my mom would make the couch up with sheets and a blanket and pillow, make me tea and rub my back until i fell asleep (i still sleep on the couch when i'm feeling uncertain...). it feels like.. relief. to have that feeling back, of feeling like someone's love for you is enough to keep the bad things away. to carry you through the things that are hard. to accept you for all that you are. to celebrate with you the good things.

i meant to write about other things, but i'll save those for another day..

moving on

tomorrow i start a new chapter. i become a business owner. i leave behind the old, it has become a burden so much so that i have lost most of the sadness of leaving. when my guard is down, i still see it. i see myself over-react at things and know i am still hurt.

so it's there, but i am moving on. maybe i carry a little sadness with me. certainly the disappointment. always hard to learn how to let go of those things.

looking forward, i am content and grateful at the opportunities i am now creating for myself. i am happy to break away from those who were offering them before. they came at a cost that i still can't really understand.

tomorrow i wake up and begin to build a company.