i just begin to deconstruct it and the phone rings and on the other end is a voice i recognize and he says in his australian accent, "it's john". and it's john.

i will try and say what i would say if i could say it..

the root of what you say is right. i believe in it at it's root. it is the extent to which you take those things that begins to do damage. it begins to take away the child in you. it begins to make you calculating. the root is right. and worth all it's worth, which is everything. but i can't undo the extent to which you have learned to believe that you should take those things. and i can't be your partner while you undo those things.

i'll stop there because that's all i want to say. i acknowledge that it is only my perception. i acknowledge that there are things i still do not understand.

he wants me to go there still. it would be excrutiating. and i've been known to do excrutiating things. but i won't back down. i won't go back and forth and i don't mean geographically. i'll take the excrutiating.