endings and arithmatic

endings like beginnings have their merit. i should be sad but i'm not. i should feel something, but i don't. maybe once he's out of my view, like at the airport. maybe when he's safely behind the frosted glass at the departure gate will i find the hurt. but for now, i am under the influence of his empty goodbye. lacking in emotion. no, this is not true, it pulled some anger out of him. that he can keep, still leaving me at numb.

and so i continue on my own.. he made me a better person. truly. i am grateful for the whole experience and it is perhaps better to have an abrupt end than have things really turn destructive. i have to trust that he reacted emotionally and did not lose love.

i did not lose love. i gained love. for him, mine may need to be nursed back into the place in my heart where he will stay. for the world it has grown leaps and bounds. i need to work hard to keep it. with him that was easy. even if it was through negative things sometimes, him in my life made me aware. i want to work hard to keep that. i hope i brought something to his life that he will want to keep as well. invisible keepsakes.

i suppose i should go take a picture for today. wait for the emotions to come..

road flares

life goes on, as the fabric weakens in parts and divides the day. into the part of day you don't think of him and the part when you allow a few moments of reflection. try and decide if you are still angry or if you ever were. was your reaction natural, was it instinct? and you know that time and maybe some words and sentiment will go a long way with the needle and thread and strengthen that bit again. but you can't help but wonder what it means. do you want in or out? did it change anything?

it didn't change anything of course, but perhaps brought about some needed reflection, shed some light on what was already there. put a flare along the side of a road you didn't want to know about. if ever enough flares end up on that road, it will be a well lit path. away.

i wonder at the differences between us.

i want to have my hands in soft dirt. i want to be outside on the porch when the days and nights get this warm. i want to appreciate nice use of language. i want to let myself walk through whatever i need to walk through. i want to do these things regardless of the rest of it. i just want to do these things.

i don't want to forget about hands in dirt. bare feet. beauty in pain. i don't want to lose touch with allowing the things that want to be allowed. i don't want to feel bad for feeling whatever comes natural. i don't want to lose too much in rules. i want not to ignore the guidance of instinct. i don't want to replace it with anything else. i just want to practice listening.

i want to find a proper balance. i want to enjoy life. i want to learn all i can.

anticipation

it gets difficult sometimes. when outcomes don't meet expectations. when expectations form at all.. you try not to expect but it creeps in anyhow. so, you take stock, you step back, you relinquish control (as if you had it in the first place) and accept a different outcome..

it creeps in anyhow.. it doesn't really matter what we say, it's "anyhow" that seems to matter. i smile for the first time in awhile today to think of it. let what happens happen. i'm fine with that. i'm ok to be dissapointed. i'm ok to be sad for a moment before figuring out the next step. the new plan.

it's the little things to enjoy. the anticipation of expectation. taking a walk through the exchange district with a coffee instead of working on a wednesday afternoon while you wait for an answer.

it is perhaps a day of disenchantments, but there is enchantment in that too.

i guess it is when disenchantment loses all enchantment that we need to move on. let go of its sources. but as long as it keeps it's texture. as long as it doesn't keep you. as long as you are willing to keep moving with it. it can just be a part of your day. it can be the styrofoam cup in the river that you walked by while waiting.

leisure suit larry

i'm glad for this time. my office is in a new room, the girl made the coffee right today, there was time for coffee today..

things i enjoyed most today were: the coffee that was made correctly. the waitress being genuinely happy that i enjoyed the coffee. the weather, more specifically the light and the air. the fresh bread and avacado lunch. helping a new agent get into my listing because he didn't yet have a lock box key. remembering how i excited i was before i got a lockbox key.

sometimes i touch my dog's head and feel lucky to have this little creature walking around my house, eating out of her bowl and wagging her tail at me. lately i have been touching my own head and feeling lucky to be a little creature roaming around on this earth. i think i've been asleep for awhile, forgetting to see my days as possibilities, forgetting to appreciate.

so now i am remembering. that there is not much point in worrying if it can't change anything. that when i don't feel very happy it is only because people don't always feel happy, that learning is important and consistancy in character is worth maintaining. that i love life.

and so if it's like i was asleep, it's also like i woke up somewhere else. on a boat or a train or a passenger seat. i woke up amongst movement and landscape. i woke up in love.

putting winter to bed

so as a new month begins, a new season and these writings also surface. thanks bon (bonnie introduced me to this medium). a new thing for me, a place to write that is not just mine.. i am interested to see what arises from writing more publically.

sunlight is coming through sheer curtains and outside the trees are moving enough to make that light dance a little. it reminds me of water and summer.

the snow is melting and the weather is softening more each day. i will try not to speak about what else may be happening. try to stay away from the days events, though they have been pleasant. stick to a changing season and that sunlight on my walls.

winter starts out every time with fresh snow underfoot, that sound and feeling we know so well. a comfort. comfort in the warmth of furnaced rooms, hoar frost, the way cheeks get red and cold to the touch but our bodies seem happy, up for the challenge. sometime later, the layers get hard. the roads form ruts and we get into them. snow is so opaque. cold air starts to thieve. winter loses it's charm. and then, right on time, the sunlight starts to dance a little, you leave your jacket at home, the dog starts to shed more..

i set my clock forward an hour, saving daylight. the difference between here and there got bigger.

it really does amaze me every time winter goes to sleep. i enjoy the mania of our seasons. like children and swings, enjoying the changing sensation of movement. flight when they are used to ground. appreciation. you just have to move on before you stop loving each thing. how much of that is learned and how much is intinctual i wonder. i'm not sure of that answer. indulgance is grey area. nature takes care of the seasons for us, making nothing so hard that we lose too much happiness, but not so easy that we forget to appreciate. the rest is all trust i guess. we all get scared and try to stay in our favourite seasons..