coming back..

something is coming back. like a texture to my days. something to savour. a world i know about..

i think the first time i had a taste of it was when i dated erik t in grade 12. we used to sit by the river. i remember eating dinner with my family and smiling to myself because there was a world i knew about.

i found it travelling. the train held that texture. the walls of different stations, the hands of strangers, the words and glances. the landscape sweeping past. sometimes it was so beautiful it hurt. sometimes tears came and i kept a hood up and watched ontario roll by.

john and i found it. he said, 'My minds eye is pleased with a taste of your winter snow. When you lend me your eye like that and you break through to the foot of my chair with your finer words - I am happy.' we fell in love. i was at home at the foot of his chair.

and these days, i find it again. on my own, though i like to think that i'll be at the foot of someone's chair again sometime. but the texture is back. my mind is fertile and lush. it is a relief. it is quiet and calm. it is clean.