today summer fell away and the air got cold again. it was nice wearing socks and putting the heat on in the car after the dog park. a box in my basement revealed itself to me, in honour of the change of seasons, a photograph i thought i'd lost.

it was a photograph of john taken when i first met him six years ago. it has been in the precious things i've lost category for years. it was taken from afar and in my mind he was croutched down cooking us dinner over a fire. my mind froze that frame on its own. the photograph is of him croutched down petting one of sonya's dogs. we were beside the yukon river and one of the dogs had pups. i can still remember how to get there through the campground and then the forest and along that path. i can remember how one of the dogs got away once and we did not recognise it so free until it followed us home and we made dinner over the fire. i can remember missing him when he went away.


i can't write very much more about it for now. it's hard seeing that picture. no one has ever had such a profound effect on me and it's hard to see an image of him when it first started. before he chose a path. when we still could have walked it together. but we didn't and now we'll never go back because we can't.

and as much as it hurts, i don't even want the hurt to go away. it hurts when i can feel myself learning from him and i don't want that to stop. he took time everyday to teach me and he came to my city to live beside me for a bit. if it stops hurting i'm afraid i will forget to keep learning from him..