so i miss him sometimes..

i miss him. i miss his name in bold in my inbox. i miss his accent across the line. i miss his top lip and his beard always coming through regardless of razors. i miss how he'd talk sweet to me. i miss his david brent impressions and his laugh.

most of the time i just drive in my car and sing and enjoy wind in my hair. most of the time i don't think of it. and when i do i am mostly just grateful to have had any of my days that were about him. but every now and then, i just miss him. i guess that's how it goes..

because sometimes the world finds me in it. not the world i love but the world that i understand exists. and when it does, i miss him. i will say it often in this moment because i don't usually say it.

one time he wrote me a verse. many, but one line that i loved, among the many was "I miss her like crazy and wine." i miss him like crazy and wine.

i wonder about how he is. i like to imagine he's out for coffee with danny on a patio somewhere. smiling and making a joke. enjoying his days. it makes me sad to think that i will keep my preferred imagination of him when he may not be out for coffee with danny at all. it sounds funny and it is at a glance. but it's true. i just can't say how.

and if he were to imagine me it may be winter in his mind. i may be at the conservatory. i may be on the midtown bridge. i may be in my home with him at my side. or maybe he has allowed a change of seasons in his mind. maybe i am on the porch with my dog. maybe i am in my summer clothes. maybe my hair has grown longer.

he said, i want you to come and you want to come, but don't come. he faltered and asked if i had gotten enough from him. he said by taking his path he was giving me up.

in my reply, i had to stay hidden because it is not for me to say certain things. so i told him that what i have to say is unqualified under some skies and so rain clouds will form and then rain and eventually it will just become a part of everything else. i'll visit in mustard fields.

and so we ended in beauty as we began. and i tend to let things go when it's time. and i feel like i need to take his hand for one moment more. put my hand on his back for one moment more. so if the time is near, i will let go. i think i have for the most part. but i want him to feel the warmth of me once more. even if only in word. i should be going there. he should not decide so quickly. it will not be us together, but i think i should go. i can let go of him and i will, but i can't seem to let go of him so easy. not without understanding.