i asked if i could come. he said no in a cold draft. so i put on a blanket and said goodbye. and i am glad that i made myself vulnerable, that i put myself in the path of his cold air because i love him. i was given the gift of being in love and it was worth everything that hurts about it. so i will not go to see him. i will not meet his family or see where he lives or sing for him again. but i will go there one day. i will stay away from his city, but now i have to go to that country. that accent will always slay me but i think i should go.

i emailed him two days ago to ask him if i could come, only to better understand and felt great about having asked. until today when i was driving in my car and suddenly a wave came over me, a bad feeling. my stomach sank and i suddenly asked myself why i sent it. felt his cold draft. i glanced down at the clock and realized that he would have just read my email. and although he didn't respond until now, i felt it coming all day. it has always been that way. i feel it across oceans.

and i know that he is hurt and that his love is still there. i know that he misunderstood certain things. i know that he has probably taken steps that lead away from me in a premanant way and that his words will be distanced to keep his comittments. i represent a life he is parting with. i will have to learn to understand on my own.