i would have liked to find some bee's to photograph but all i found were wasps. but i'm sure they work hard too. i took one for the team getting this picture. one stung me but i'm fine.

if i told you how hungry i was you wouldn't even believe me. that's a joke. but i am hungry.

my day kept trying to end in daylight but i found myself still at it in the midnite hour. i stopped by my duplex to finish up a few small things on the last day i own it and opened the fridge only to find a lone red bull. like someone knew how tired i was and wanted to give me a hand. bad idea at night you would think, but i didn't think so, i drank it quick. and if i could go back, i would do it again.

that red bull was like candy.

so i am finally done for the day. not really but i am going to stop working because i'm starting to feel a little bit stupid. bee's wouldn't stop, but i'm not a bee.

it's hot outside, but not as hot as it is inside my house. but the central air remains untouched for the season. i like to tough it out. bee's would tough it out. probably enough jokes about bee's for now..

i asked if i could come. he said no in a cold draft. so i put on a blanket and said goodbye. and i am glad that i made myself vulnerable, that i put myself in the path of his cold air because i love him. i was given the gift of being in love and it was worth everything that hurts about it. so i will not go to see him. i will not meet his family or see where he lives or sing for him again. but i will go there one day. i will stay away from his city, but now i have to go to that country. that accent will always slay me but i think i should go.

i emailed him two days ago to ask him if i could come, only to better understand and felt great about having asked. until today when i was driving in my car and suddenly a wave came over me, a bad feeling. my stomach sank and i suddenly asked myself why i sent it. felt his cold draft. i glanced down at the clock and realized that he would have just read my email. and although he didn't respond until now, i felt it coming all day. it has always been that way. i feel it across oceans.

and i know that he is hurt and that his love is still there. i know that he misunderstood certain things. i know that he has probably taken steps that lead away from me in a premanant way and that his words will be distanced to keep his comittments. i represent a life he is parting with. i will have to learn to understand on my own.

so i miss him sometimes..

i miss him. i miss his name in bold in my inbox. i miss his accent across the line. i miss his top lip and his beard always coming through regardless of razors. i miss how he'd talk sweet to me. i miss his david brent impressions and his laugh.

most of the time i just drive in my car and sing and enjoy wind in my hair. most of the time i don't think of it. and when i do i am mostly just grateful to have had any of my days that were about him. but every now and then, i just miss him. i guess that's how it goes..

because sometimes the world finds me in it. not the world i love but the world that i understand exists. and when it does, i miss him. i will say it often in this moment because i don't usually say it.

one time he wrote me a verse. many, but one line that i loved, among the many was "I miss her like crazy and wine." i miss him like crazy and wine.

i wonder about how he is. i like to imagine he's out for coffee with danny on a patio somewhere. smiling and making a joke. enjoying his days. it makes me sad to think that i will keep my preferred imagination of him when he may not be out for coffee with danny at all. it sounds funny and it is at a glance. but it's true. i just can't say how.

and if he were to imagine me it may be winter in his mind. i may be at the conservatory. i may be on the midtown bridge. i may be in my home with him at my side. or maybe he has allowed a change of seasons in his mind. maybe i am on the porch with my dog. maybe i am in my summer clothes. maybe my hair has grown longer.

he said, i want you to come and you want to come, but don't come. he faltered and asked if i had gotten enough from him. he said by taking his path he was giving me up.

in my reply, i had to stay hidden because it is not for me to say certain things. so i told him that what i have to say is unqualified under some skies and so rain clouds will form and then rain and eventually it will just become a part of everything else. i'll visit in mustard fields.

and so we ended in beauty as we began. and i tend to let things go when it's time. and i feel like i need to take his hand for one moment more. put my hand on his back for one moment more. so if the time is near, i will let go. i think i have for the most part. but i want him to feel the warmth of me once more. even if only in word. i should be going there. he should not decide so quickly. it will not be us together, but i think i should go. i can let go of him and i will, but i can't seem to let go of him so easy. not without understanding.

work mind

my work mind is taking over and i'm wondering where the other is. the moment i say this i remember i am not finished work for the evening.

work interlude...

done. sort of done. i'll call it done. you see how the work mind takes over and no thoughs of mustard fields enter..

i really don't want to speak of the days events or what the gears in my mind are coming up with right now. i am still in work clothes and i should -- i have just stopped to work more. i can't leave it, i'm like a moth to a light where work is concerned right now and my non-work mind is suffering for it!

so i will retire to the porch with the dog and imagine dusk.

muddy

i ended up in wisconson by accident today. if you're ever driving home from minneapolis/st. paul, take interstate 94 WEST not east. how did i not notice? i kept wondering, where is st. cloud?

it's been a day of driving and turning around and driving more. i love to drive. i'm a driver.

two things i noticed this week. first, i need to not only buy a map, but also look at it from time to time. second, social graces are important and lack of them makes me uncomfortable.

so i left a day early.

i noticed more than two things this week. the air smelled like wood and when i was in wisconson i passed a lake that smelled so much like a lake that it was worth the detour. i noticed that i love to drive alone. this i knew but it has been awhile since i've been more than an hour from the city. i was glad i could not afford to fly and made a mental note that if i ever can afford to fly that i should drive anyway. i noticed that good people are good and that socially inept people make it very difficult to know them.

morning will come quick and the day will be busy. so i will sleep. and dream of conversations that flow with ease and the mississippi river.