i have mixed feelings these days i admit.. it's a struggle i admit. some stuff i thought i left behind creeps up and then oddly, more things i left behind follow. even our ghosts follow each other.

but amongst the stress and the uncertainty, i find myself finally taking a moment without avoiding. without tuning everything out. and i find that i love to be at home in my house with my dogs and good music and the warm light and air. that at least while i am here, i do not need to avoid.

i guess i forget to breath and take everything too seriously. i guess i lose track.

i went through recent photo's tonight and i am filled with gratitude. i forget sometimes. i get lost in all the details of what is not going the way i would like and i lose track of what is important. we're always losing things. every day we lose another day. some days we lose bigger things. some days we lose our best friend. some days we lose opportunity. some day we'll lose what we can't imagine losing. some days we wake up and realize what we lost over all the days we were not aware enough to realize we were losing.

and so i need to practice some patience..

we start out rusty. all the small talk in the world cannot unfold us. and then the familiar sound of skype ringing. i can't hear him but he can hear me. i type anyway. can't help but to laugh sometimes and it unfolds him.

it's how we started last time on skype. only i could hear him, he could not hear me. he was less shy and spoke as i typed back to him. i loved it. i will try to be less shy next time..

i think he wants to tell me something.

return of the jedi

so as my plane departed, john wrote some words and i could not receive them properly from away. but i am back and now it is time to back off from any defenses and consider it because it is love. love deserves consideration..

i have been trying to write to him but it is hard to write to him. i need to try to sort it out. it's hard because i am a mess compared to then. it's hard because i worked too much. because i want what he can give me but i'm also afraid of it. he requires so much of me and i don't feel strong. i feel hard. i never meant to be this hard. i never meant to be this tough.. i want to be softer. i think he can give me that. a place to be softer. stronger.

so here are the plus'.

no, let's end with the plus'. here are the negatives..

i worry that his lifestyle is too strict for me. i worry that he will find me to be too messy for him. in every way. i worry that he will privately hope, worse, believe that i will become buddhist. that in his heart, he will go in not actually accepting me but just believing i will come around. having faith that it will happen. i want to be able to not always be strong because i am not always strong. some of his beliefs are difficult for me. i have to stop because i recognize that the rest of it is different ways of saying the same things.

the plus'..


i was happier with him than i am now. i was happier with him than i was ever. or at least as happy as my happiest. i was open. i was softer.

today in the car on the way back from the lake, charlie tried so hard to get to ride on my lap. he doesn't love the car but puts up with it really well considering. he needs to glue himself to whatever is near him, but the only thing that really calms him is if it is a beating heart he leans into. he just wants a beating heart nearby. and this morning as i read my book in the morning at the lake and my mom turned on cjob and started the coffee brewing, just her footsteps near and the sound of her moving about calmed me. it was before his email, but i recognized twice before coming home the value of a beating heart nearby.

and the value of order. the order in johns life scares me. and yet, it is also what i want, in proper measure. i feel better around my parents as they keep everything in order and do things right. i don't like being in disorder..

i'll only post this briefly and then erase it i think.. i'm laughing because i am fairly certain only one person really reads this thing.

excerpts from europa - part 1

september 9, 2008

i am sitting on a plane in Chicago. in eight hours i will be in germany. i'll finally cross that ocean. and what will find me over there, i have no idea. already it is different as they make the welcome announcements in german. the english version is charming. the pilot is expecting a very... uh.. on time flight. we will arrive early because of strong tail winds the entire flight. i like to think of a strong wind pushing me there.

it is a relief to be going and a relief to not know where i am going once i am there. i look forward to the strangers and the food and the way things will smell different and i'll come back and it will hurt a little when something reminds me.

it is the beginning and it has been a long time. i won't mention anything from home in this book. in this book i am in europe.

6/9/08 11:50 PM

work became too much. just enough to make me need to leave. so in the dark i drive out to the lake.

on my way out i am destined to run out of gas so i call doug at 10:15 pm as i take the east selkirk turnoff last minute in the dark. i ask him how to get to the nearest gas station that is still open. he can hear i am tired. i ask if he was in bed and he says no. i ask him again and this time i hear his car door open and he says he’s in his truck. he’s coming to meet me. by the time my tank is full doug is there in his weekend clothes. he asks if i’m all done and i say yes. he says ‘come on, i’ll take you back’ and leads me back to the highway. it is the best part of my day. i call to tell him so. i am crying but he doesn’t know.

i carry on to end my day at the lake. and it does not let me down. the sound of the water against the beach, the solar lights along the path, the woodstove and some good music. the night sky is gorgeous turning the trees to velvet. it is all so dark and i will awaken to green. for the first time, i will see this place alive with young green upon the trees. the grass is plush i can tell even in the dark. getting wood with the flashlight, i know it was right to come out. i stand and listen to the water and the quiet and it all falls away. i go inside where the music and the fire are alive and i dance.

this is where i am happiest. paint brushes await me tomorrow. i will hide away and paint and sing. i will wake up here..

i meant to get more done but the house feels warm regardless. i know that i am on my own and there are moments of such comfort in that. sometimes you wonder about more. and it wears you out a little. and so when you realize that there is nothing there, it feels like relief to be on your own.

it's strange how much in my car alone or walking down a sidewalk where sun comes through trees and weave the way with sun and shade, i feel such romance in life. and yet with humans it's so rare. it's everywhere and it's there so often, but seems to disappear in the presence of those who look for it. not to say he looked for it. but i think he at least wanted to. i think at minimum, he was disappointed that he didn't want to come closer.

and it's not that i didn't want to see it. i just don't want to have to look for it. i want to not be able to look away. i want to steal every glance i can. i want to feel anticipation from across a table. i want to want.

it's so strange how you can have such ease with some and such little ease with others..

it's been a productive day, but that's not what i want to say.

there's so much left to do.

still not what i want to say..

i wish i could create music like the stuff i listen to as i write. if i could, that is what i would be doing now.

getting closer..

i'd never leave, i'd never stop leaving, i would find open windows everywhere..

but i'm sitting here and the windows are closed. the inside door is open and that's a start.

getting colder..

i feel let down. i know that's my own responsibility.

everytime i let it go, i have to let it go again. one day i want it to let go instead.

that's all, that's not all.

my favourite music to listen to right now starts like leaving. and then smiling. and then hurting. but peacefully without attachment. the horns come in and my mind stops thinking. everything is right.

i've got it on repeat for this post. if you could hear it your mind would stop thinking i'm pretty sure.

the day was one of my favourites in awhile. i was happy for the snow, though i know spring is coming. i awoke still bothered by someones negativity from the day before, though i wish i could say i wasn't. i got in the car and when the music started i left it behind, relieved. i couldn't stop my smile.

i drove through the park with the snow falling just like it did another favourite day. i stopped at the conservatory and just like the horns, my mind stopped thinking. by this time each winter, i need to visit the conservatory to be reminded of humid green beautiful. there is a lot of care in that place. i miss ruby begonia's..

i napped in my car outside the cafe i wanted to eat at waiting for them to open. when i woke up it was still closed so i went to see the post secret exhibit at the art gallery. i can't believe i forget about these things. i returned to the cafe and wrote. it's where i always used to go. i am becoming a regular again.

i bought some watercolours. it's been too long. i cleaned the house. i set up the easle. i am going to listen to these horns and paint.

it was the best day in awhile. the other days have been good. this one was exceptional.

coming back..

something is coming back. like a texture to my days. something to savour. a world i know about..

i think the first time i had a taste of it was when i dated erik t in grade 12. we used to sit by the river. i remember eating dinner with my family and smiling to myself because there was a world i knew about.

i found it travelling. the train held that texture. the walls of different stations, the hands of strangers, the words and glances. the landscape sweeping past. sometimes it was so beautiful it hurt. sometimes tears came and i kept a hood up and watched ontario roll by.

john and i found it. he said, 'My minds eye is pleased with a taste of your winter snow. When you lend me your eye like that and you break through to the foot of my chair with your finer words - I am happy.' we fell in love. i was at home at the foot of his chair.

and these days, i find it again. on my own, though i like to think that i'll be at the foot of someone's chair again sometime. but the texture is back. my mind is fertile and lush. it is a relief. it is quiet and calm. it is clean.