hmm.. seems like a lot when i scroll down, but that's what happens when you start looking through old notebooks i guess. old writing is plentiful and strange to look back on. even stranger to post like this. anyways....
i will stand
reeling with patience
armed with a sky behind
that is the color of tranquil
water
in dreams
when you dive through it
and sunlight filters
like smoke signals
in the evening
at the bonfire
we all fell
and did we appreciate
the thrill of it all
or did we just
land and stand up
(where are you now
and do you think of it?)
*****
i'm turning your face
into rain
and a smile
filters through the gloom
of this house
four walls surround me
a window
a door
which leads to more walls
more windows
more doors
eventually they lead to you
*****
travelling backwards
(is forwards a motion?)
leaving metal pieces
in time with cotton
sliding on wet wood
you cringe more
than you smile these days
is it something i did
i wonder because that
is what you wonder
at times like these
wondering how to get you
to speak to me again
to smile into me
again
it turns.
i fail to see which way
search memory
i must have passed a sign
the moons height and direction
must mean something
on this night
i roam away from you
you always warn me
about the beast
always tell me
don't get hurt
when did that stop
worrying you?
flesh is not always
the only sign of pain
flesh and pleasure
are not always
a sure sign
of love.
*****
i am leaving now. not this party. not this street. not your house. i am leaving. you ask me why. i must have answered you in my head, you stood there waiting long after the question. i answer, because i have already left. of course i am still here. you see me and i could still feel your hand if i would touch it. but i have begun a departure. back to where i left off and forward from where i am. direction is of no matter.
but of course my silence is all you can hear, you have not yet crawled into my unspoken words. they remain only my own when you don't answer.
these days are your own.
why does there have to be the time between. the time between our words. the time between when you and i leave and when our bodies part. what should we do with this time? should we make love while we can. or should we scream at the walls from seperate houses. then we would never hear how much we could hurt each other.
*****
layers of paint
upon your bedroom walls
your life has changed
since striped wall paper
i want to scrape it all away
layer by layer
and find out
every memory
long since painted over
the day
anger
(yours or theirs?)
punched a hole in the door
you never told me
what shape the shadows took
at nite
or what under water games you played
when the color was blue
or about the frogs you killed
by mistake
and then surveyed
the bucket
of grey, matted death
in the backyard
*****
sitting idle
the engine's running
just waiting for the windshield
to clear
we're very good at making silence
awkward
and you're very clever
at avoiding guilt
with your kind smile
and lighthearted humour
right before you speed away
in your car,
leaving me in a cloud
of exhaust,
laughing at me
laughing at you
we are so alike.
*****
we have already decieved each other
through thoughts of strangers
driving with us in our cars
laughing and falling
into snow
and feelings
deeper than these
we stick to the main roads
freshly plowed
evidence of who has been here
becomes shrouded
search harder
the details are hard to see
try to track down
the owner of each footprint
you will never know more
than their shoe size
and where they were walking
between snow falls
*****
there is a hole
in your jeans
on the left thigh
and i don't know you
so i imagine
a piece of your history
i imagine the cigarette
that fell
from your unsteady hand
at a party
two years ago
where you knew everyone
by name
and the music was too loud
but you could care less
your last beer
is too warm
for your liking
you've got candle wax
dripping from your fingers
(red)
llke blood
and you didn't even feel it burn
through your intoxication
although it remained
beneath your fingernails
for days
and you smiled
when you realized
the hole
left by that cigarette
it adds character
you said
now they are your favourite pair
*****
fall will tell me
every year
what you meant to me
i will slide closer to you
or take one step back
through an imaginary door
to be alone
to be free
to be alive
to be with another
to be still
to shiver alone
and sigh with relief
to take inventory
of my past
and move on.
i never hated you
and i didn't mean
to be so cold
in some ways
i can imagine
that your jealousy
would not exist
and that you would fall with me
every september
with every leaf
it's the winter that challenges my imagination
as i fell everything die
as our freefall ends
in a dull thump
seperated
(i'm not sure if you land
or the wind picks you up
and takes you into a new life.)
*****
i am going to find you
everyone i lost
everything i regretted
i am going to come to terms
you will come around
i have the means to make you see
and i will learn to use it
i will teach you plenty
even you who is so stubborn
you will learn from me
as i have learned from you
i know this
because fall came
right on time again
because the rain began today
and i saw every drop
on the pavement
and no matter who my mother is
i can see this
and the leaves will always be
this beautiful
when summer goes to sleep
(so quickly she slips away
and steals the warmth
from our section of the earth
and allows us reason
to find warmth in each other)
