i needed to seperate a post that is only to continue on. but these get posted in reverse order so if there is a reader, the reader should start with the post below.

anyways, it was amazing. it still amazes me. it still hangs in the air above us. i won't say what other words were there. i allude to nothing because together they neutralize.

i can sort of see the lack of sleep in my words, but i dont' mind so i'll keep going. i almost need the freedom this kind of tired brings because my mind has been wearing on too many details lately.

so the day of work and leisure and the night of rain and john and files and late night errands.. i have enjoyed it all. a 3 am phone call. a running engine on the street.. a whole world goes on while we sleep.

it's quiet and i'm not sure of what to expect of my holiday. i dont' like that word at all, but i'll use it. i go with no expectation and enough time to explore a place i've never been on my own. i'll pick the place when i get there. i have forgotten to tell those i'm visiting that i am coming. mostly it will be a visit and i am happy for that. i miss my Dylan. i was there at his birth. he is my closest connection to some things. and his face is beautiful when he lights up and loves you.

and when the visit is done, i will let myself travel a little. even once back in gimli.

i should sleep but i want to write more some day about why i am torn. it is not in the obvious way or about the obvious thing. and i may not be torn at all, perhaps just curious and a little intimidated by direction.

good to have some time off.