i needed to seperate a post that is only to continue on. but these get posted in reverse order so if there is a reader, the reader should start with the post below.

anyways, it was amazing. it still amazes me. it still hangs in the air above us. i won't say what other words were there. i allude to nothing because together they neutralize.

i can sort of see the lack of sleep in my words, but i dont' mind so i'll keep going. i almost need the freedom this kind of tired brings because my mind has been wearing on too many details lately.

so the day of work and leisure and the night of rain and john and files and late night errands.. i have enjoyed it all. a 3 am phone call. a running engine on the street.. a whole world goes on while we sleep.

it's quiet and i'm not sure of what to expect of my holiday. i dont' like that word at all, but i'll use it. i go with no expectation and enough time to explore a place i've never been on my own. i'll pick the place when i get there. i have forgotten to tell those i'm visiting that i am coming. mostly it will be a visit and i am happy for that. i miss my Dylan. i was there at his birth. he is my closest connection to some things. and his face is beautiful when he lights up and loves you.

and when the visit is done, i will let myself travel a little. even once back in gimli.

i should sleep but i want to write more some day about why i am torn. it is not in the obvious way or about the obvious thing. and i may not be torn at all, perhaps just curious and a little intimidated by direction.

good to have some time off.

john says..

well, i leave in several hours and won't list what i have done today in preparation nor what i have to do before my flight leaves in the morning. i will say that there is time for one or two hours of sleep in between and i couldn't ask for anything better.

it seems so appropriate to board a plane tired and worn out and ready to give in to the time off. i have enjoyed my day so much, long as it may be. again, to list details would maybe not be right. it was so much work and so much leisure all at once. a concerned being would have not stopped for leisure and been in bed by midnite but i am not concerned. it rained most of the night. i'm not sure when it started, sometime while i talked to the australian.


John says:
sometimes i feel old without you.
Susan says:
sometimes i feel lost without you.

John says:
it was good to be in love
Susan says:
it was amazing to be in love.


...

i don't know what to say other than it's getting colder out and the cool air and subtle change of season brought me away and home today.

i can say this here. i miss the australian. not all the time but sometimes. i miss him when i don't know something. because i know he knows. i miss him when he thinks about me because i can feel it.

we talked tonight and it was painful. such beautiful words.. i didn't expect it, but from out of nowhere it hit me. he spoke so gently and i just kept learning with tears running down my face.

sometimes sweetness drips down into your hand. sometimes your hand touches a face and it's just that there's a fire dying out in the fire pit and the lights are reflecting off of water and you've got that sweetness in your hand. and that's all it is is sweetness in your hand for just a moment.

and sometimes, though this is seperate, someone else tries to wash that sweetness off of your hands. for themselves. and they say that it is for you, but it is mostly for them. because it was only a sweet moment for you. one you wanted to enjoy. and you do your best to understand and so do they. but you wonder at these things. it's only human either way you look i suppose. just dangerous to get too precious about things.



and the contrast is suddenly stunning to you. one more thing settles and you let him sit with it. no need to defend or align yourself with him. you never did either of you any favours that way.

i drove by it all on my way home.

life returns to normal when hitch hikers leave and then you kind of miss them..

but what is normal really? life is full of enchantment. the drive to gimli was good. amy came with and we sat on the patio and made friends with rodney, who i called rocky for most of the time until he asked for paper and a pen and said, let me write down my name for you. he also added his number which was cute of him. he said he owns more movies on tape then anyone really. cam was working and came to sit with us here and there on his breaks. cam is nice to be around. rocky (rodney) ordered onion rings and i said, that's alot of onion rings for one rocky and someone at the next table smiled and repeated it to themselves. there was an elvis impersonator on stage at the festival and fire twirlers. sean doesn't like when people flood into this town in the summer, but i like it. i love when places come alive.

we sat and watched the end of a janis joplin movie on the beach where they set up the screen in the water. willow walked to the end of the pier and back with us and then played along the shore in the waves in the dark.

i love that i will wake up here tomorrow and not head back to the city for work. stay all day and into the next. and soon sean and i will take possession of the new place and fall will start to happen. we will have a woodstove and beautiful floors that dennis made from salvaged wood. winter will be nice this way. work is slow in winter and i can come out more often.

so i guess sometimes people come in and make your day really great. make you want to go to the corn maze with them or watch the janis joplin movie on the beach with them or go to the ruins with them. but they leave and you just go for a drive instead. stop the car when it strikes you to find things to stain your walls with these days. drop your keys between the house and the step and then get them out again. pretend you don't notice that the nights are getting a little colder.