our house is becoming a home. trucker went away and i gained perspective and nothing changed. i still look over at him and love the authority of his brow. i still am amazed at how much he knows. he still keeps me in check and knows where my bookmark is when i am reading on the couch and need to put my book down. 'under your left thigh' he says and i can't do anything but feel lucky and mark my page..

cold snap

i love winter as it settles in like a dog circling his bed before curling up. dusk throws blue light over fresh snow, the air is fresh and the world feels clean.

my love of winter ends at -20, and my distain for it kicks in at -25. the ruts in the roads, the bitter cold, the way exhaust hangs in the air, it all feels unkind. the nights don't seem to find purple skies and our bodies get in the habit of tensing up.

amazingly it ends every year, but we're still a ways away from hearing the loud, beautiful thunder of rivers unthawing. i look forward to more gentle air..

i didn't even realize the heaviness. it followed me like it loved something about me. i didn't love it back, but it stuck around until i figured out another way. there was a dullness for a couple of years. it was hard to notice sometimes, it didn't steal enough to always see. it showed itself more by the contrast of its absence when it disappeared. it went away like dark things that don't matter anymore. it feels like forgiveness.


a train is coming through again.

now has become the new now

an actual present tense, without living for something in the future or holding on to something in the past. i wake up in the morning and look forward to my day. i leave the house, pick up a coffee and begin building. setting up shop is almost complete, and now we go to marketing. it is like getting to exercise muscles that have been dying to be used.

it is great to feel alive again. to feel proud of what i am doing again. and in love! we have passed a threshold. it is a relief to not want to keep him at bay or keep things from getting serious. it is my pattern to do so. to keep myself alone. i am used to getting uncomfortable when someone starts to grow feelings for me. and for awhile i was wincing, waiting for it to happen, for the usual sadness and disappointment i feel to finally admit to myself that it is not working, for the heaviness of having hurt someone else. for the relief to be on my own. but it didn't come. what has come instead is a steadiness. a warm love. a smile to myself during my day when i think about him.

last night i couldn't sleep because a neighbor of my parents is harassing them and upsetting my mom quite a lot. i don't want anyone hurting my parents, affecting their sleep or their sense of well-being in any way. this sense of anger that someone was stealing restful nights from my mom was keeping me from resting as well. and then i thought of him. he is on the road, and while he was not beside me to put his hand on my back, i realized that he is beside me always now. it amazes me how much his love was able to make me feel better. it felt like when i was younger and couldn't sleep and my mom would make the couch up with sheets and a blanket and pillow, make me tea and rub my back until i fell asleep (i still sleep on the couch when i'm feeling uncertain...). it feels like.. relief. to have that feeling back, of feeling like someone's love for you is enough to keep the bad things away. to carry you through the things that are hard. to accept you for all that you are. to celebrate with you the good things.

i meant to write about other things, but i'll save those for another day..

moving on

tomorrow i start a new chapter. i become a business owner. i leave behind the old, it has become a burden so much so that i have lost most of the sadness of leaving. when my guard is down, i still see it. i see myself over-react at things and know i am still hurt.

so it's there, but i am moving on. maybe i carry a little sadness with me. certainly the disappointment. always hard to learn how to let go of those things.

looking forward, i am content and grateful at the opportunities i am now creating for myself. i am happy to break away from those who were offering them before. they came at a cost that i still can't really understand.

tomorrow i wake up and begin to build a company.

i am in love.. i guess i have said it, but it deserves being said twice. it deserves being said over and over.. it is amazing.

our house. our house.. last night we ran to the window to watch the three deer in our yard. we went to the bedroom to watch the one who stuck around as it walked to the south of the yard. in our darkened room so that we could see outside, we watched this beautiful buck with a missing antler graze in our yard. earlier i had gone out back and stood only feet away from a beautiful girl deer who looked at me and wagged her tail. we looked at each other for a bit and then she started to walk away. she looked back at me and i waved at her and told her i'd see her next time.

he is so good to me, Trucker.. the last couple of days have been rough for me. trouble with a friend and with my mom. the stress of starting a new business, leaving behind the old. the challenge of hearing what is being said. it is a time of transition. i take comfort in his love.

it happened so quickly, i know now what grandmothers mean when they say they knew..

it feels amazing to be in love. for years i have been in patient anticipation and i am so grateful to have found him. and to have been found.

two days ago we bought our first house together. i have to write about it so that something is recorded so that i never forget a detail. i had seen the house already while he was out of town and i had loved it. when we walked in together, Trucker began pointing out things excitedly. he loved it. i had worried that he would be turned off by how much work it will need or by the pink toilet, sink and tub in the bathroom or the radiator heat. but he just held my hand as we walked through and smiled and grew excitement for it. he loved the original sixties basement with speakers built into the wall, the inset lighting, the old wet bar. he even loved the grungy storage area in the basement. it was like watching a kid open a gift they love on Christmas morning. the night before i could barely sleep feeling that same kind of anticipation. it is a rare thing as an adult that you are so excited about an event that you can't sleep. it was great to see his excitement join with mine. when we had a moment to ourselves in the basement he took my hand and said, 'you did good, baby'. i smiled up at him and fell in love a little bit more.

after walking around the yard and looking at the garage (garage!), we stood on the driveway and i looked at him and said 'so, yes?' and without hesitation he confirmed, 'yes'. we walked around the truck parked in the driveway and i told Sasha, the owner's son (who was handling the sale) that the big boss says yes. we went inside and did up the paperwork. i sat at the old dining table in the dining room, Trucker stood beside me. after we had both signed, i stood up and walked back into the living room as Sasha and Trucker talked about the house a little. i looked around our living room and down the hall at where one day our children's rooms will be. i stood in our future and fought back tears. i felt the life where i was on my own come to an official end. when Trucker joined me in the living room i slipped my arm around him and he pulled me in beside him. this is our house. and it's already filled with love and happiness.

i'm busy and i'm happy and my mind works overtime when i do. i think a lot these days about change. i think about moving to the lake. i think about leaving real estate. i think about starting a different kind of business. and then i stay where i am and continue doing what i am doing. and find myself oddly happy for both. it perplexes me. how happy i can be doing the thing that drives me to want change.

it's sort of like, sometimes i want a child. not a right now child, but a one day in the not entirely distant future child. and then sometimes i realize how happy i am in my life of total freedom. and i wonder if i would miss my freedom too much. i wonder if i would realize too late that i am not cut out for it. that i should have stayed doing what i was doing. like management. i know management and babies are different, but when i realized that management was not for me, i was able to go back to what i used to do. how can i know if i would be happy still?

i work. it's what i do. and i'm happy when i'm doing it. okay, sometimes it drives me crazy.

when i'm not working, i love the leisure of cooking and working around the house or yard. being at the lake. i guess with babies, i could draw more of my satisfaction from those things.. but would i miss it?

i would need to find a way to earn a living. not that Trucker would not provide for me, because i know he would, and knowing that is a peaceful feeling. i would need my own income not out of necessity but so as not to lose any more freedom than i would lose in bearing children in the first place. maybe it's why i seek change. maybe i need to start finding my way towards a way to earn my own money outside of selling real estate. while remaining self-employed. no, while becoming a business owner.

so that is what i want. to find my way to a form of income that is feasible should that Trucker and i so decide on babies.

i miss writing. i keep stopping, i shouldn't. i should write and write, really.

i am getting back to feeling at home in my life. management was wrong for me. it was a job and it made me feel unlike myself. i'm glad to be back to freedom.

and so with this freedom, i am finding myself comfortable again. i am more productive. i am happier. i have Trucker.. he's lovely. i couldn't see exactly how lovely at first and he just stayed near until i did. he seemed to know. he had a confidence that i belonged with him. as many times as i told him it would not work out, told him not to fall for me, he would tell me that he was not going let me push him away. i remember when he started to win me. it was summer and we were having dinner on the patio of the keg on moray and he looked at me and said, you know what you are? you're my june carter. i can almost climb back into that moment, where i tilted my head and looked at him the way you might look at someone who just made you question something you always thought you knew. i smiled and he held my gaze while the future began to take hold. he had the look of someone who knew. like he'd been to the future and just knew.

everything makes me sad today. everything makes my heart ache. the unknown. a photo of my cousin standing. track 11. my dad getting older.

and at the same time i feel calm. of all the times i have loved being on my own, i am so glad to not be on my own now.

i feel like something is coming. something sad. there are all sorts of small endings inching it closer. i just want to stop time here. slow things down. enjoy life with everyone i love.

when i was in italy last year, i sat alone at a table at an outdoor restaurant in rome, near vatican city. an excerpt from my journal; when i look beside me, i see green and wrought iron and lanterns and old buildings with shutters and vines that creep arched openings that spill out with plants and flowers. the top of what might be a church. blue sky. one red flower. the wind is light and it feels like roberto's kisses. i want to stay right here, in this moment. i am overwhelmed with how badly i just want life to pause right here. tears come from nowhere. from forgetting to be kissed. from happiness. from gratitude. from relief that i finally remembered to stop. from knowing that if i could really pause here, i would always have my parents, i would always be young, i would know that later today a beautiful man would look at me and kiss me. and so this becomes a moment where life stops. a moment where life begins again.

that moment was like a precursor. a gift. a reminder to give thanks. to enjoy what you have while you have it. i cried so hard on that patio in rome, without knowing where it was coming from. the poor waiter didn't know what to do. i was the only one there and he just let me be. i left light as air.

looking at the date of that entry, it was almost exactly a year ago today. it has been on my mind lately.. no matter where you are, there fall is.

no big differences these days, just the same old walkaway

one person always seems to be holding more cards than the other. it feels wrong to hold the heavier hand and worse still to lose them all..

i wish i knew myself better.. so often i think i do, but then i find out how little i know when love comes near.. i see it up ahead, coming towards me and i start complaining about everything. i start picking apart all the reasons it could not work. i start pushing him. not sure if i want him to push back to set my mind at ease that he won’t let me push too hard or if i want to just push him away.

what i want is for him to reach over and take away some of my cards. without being unkind or unfair. just to take them from me. and to know that i am still safe with him without them.

but instead, he is kind and fair and good and lets me keep any cards i choose. i turn against him and then wonder what is wrong with me.


* * *

and now i see that i struggle through my days. i am turning harder and harder. forgetting more. leaving behind consciousness. living inside a false consciousness. the question why begs an answer. i know when it began. i considered myself trapped, and ultimately was, considering the consequence of breaking commitment. i began to allow my days to involve too many things i am not about. i did it all behind a heavy door and some bad feelings. now as i anticipate the opening of that door, i have considered my only option turning to two and they have become as heavy as the initial burden, sparked with excitement at the possibility of light.

only now do i see that i have to consider that neither of those options may be right for me. only now do i see how important it really is that i not choose but rather listen. it is time to take some risks again. it's time to quiet down and listen..

i still like you, regardless

it's familiar and new all at once. it's a bird in a cage in my mind and in the trees by the lake in real life.

it's so graceful the way he talks to them. he's beautiful and interesting through the blades of grass. he picks me a dandelion and we decide that the light refracting through faraway raindrops is for us. a reward. we buy a lottery ticket.

we drink whiskey by the fire. there is some kind of truth to whiskey drinking, so we keep on. his eyes are alive the way they were the night i met him.. that night his eyes were shining with light and warmth. i wanted to make him a meal. i wanted to touch his hand. i wanted to know everything about him, all in a moment. not to have him. just to remember how warm a hand on my back can feel. just to put my armor down for a time.

he looked like relief. with an underlying sadness that relief often sits on. i know that relief. i was there too. he began to tell me that there are things that are not the same as this moment, but the others started to come back into the cottage and he switched tracks, effortlessly. he threw logs into the fire and joked with no abandon and i laughed so hard i never wanted to leave. when i did leave, he looked at me like it was not possible. i agreed secretly and left anyway.

and now the question is, will i keep leaving? and i try to guard against it and keep him at bay. he writes me at note while we play chess. he places it in his bishop and i sacrifice mine to get it; i still like you, regardless.

i have mixed feelings these days i admit.. it's a struggle i admit. some stuff i thought i left behind creeps up and then oddly, more things i left behind follow. even our ghosts follow each other.

but amongst the stress and the uncertainty, i find myself finally taking a moment without avoiding. without tuning everything out. and i find that i love to be at home in my house with my dogs and good music and the warm light and air. that at least while i am here, i do not need to avoid.

i guess i forget to breath and take everything too seriously. i guess i lose track.

i went through recent photo's tonight and i am filled with gratitude. i forget sometimes. i get lost in all the details of what is not going the way i would like and i lose track of what is important. we're always losing things. every day we lose another day. some days we lose bigger things. some days we lose our best friend. some days we lose opportunity. some day we'll lose what we can't imagine losing. some days we wake up and realize what we lost over all the days we were not aware enough to realize we were losing.

and so i need to practice some patience..

we start out rusty. all the small talk in the world cannot unfold us. and then the familiar sound of skype ringing. i can't hear him but he can hear me. i type anyway. can't help but to laugh sometimes and it unfolds him.

it's how we started last time on skype. only i could hear him, he could not hear me. he was less shy and spoke as i typed back to him. i loved it. i will try to be less shy next time..

i think he wants to tell me something.

return of the jedi

so as my plane departed, john wrote some words and i could not receive them properly from away. but i am back and now it is time to back off from any defenses and consider it because it is love. love deserves consideration..

i have been trying to write to him but it is hard to write to him. i need to try to sort it out. it's hard because i am a mess compared to then. it's hard because i worked too much. because i want what he can give me but i'm also afraid of it. he requires so much of me and i don't feel strong. i feel hard. i never meant to be this hard. i never meant to be this tough.. i want to be softer. i think he can give me that. a place to be softer. stronger.

so here are the plus'.

no, let's end with the plus'. here are the negatives..

i worry that his lifestyle is too strict for me. i worry that he will find me to be too messy for him. in every way. i worry that he will privately hope, worse, believe that i will become buddhist. that in his heart, he will go in not actually accepting me but just believing i will come around. having faith that it will happen. i want to be able to not always be strong because i am not always strong. some of his beliefs are difficult for me. i have to stop because i recognize that the rest of it is different ways of saying the same things.

the plus'..


i was happier with him than i am now. i was happier with him than i was ever. or at least as happy as my happiest. i was open. i was softer.

today in the car on the way back from the lake, charlie tried so hard to get to ride on my lap. he doesn't love the car but puts up with it really well considering. he needs to glue himself to whatever is near him, but the only thing that really calms him is if it is a beating heart he leans into. he just wants a beating heart nearby. and this morning as i read my book in the morning at the lake and my mom turned on cjob and started the coffee brewing, just her footsteps near and the sound of her moving about calmed me. it was before his email, but i recognized twice before coming home the value of a beating heart nearby.

and the value of order. the order in johns life scares me. and yet, it is also what i want, in proper measure. i feel better around my parents as they keep everything in order and do things right. i don't like being in disorder..

i'll only post this briefly and then erase it i think.. i'm laughing because i am fairly certain only one person really reads this thing.

excerpts from europa - part 1

september 9, 2008

i am sitting on a plane in Chicago. in eight hours i will be in germany. i'll finally cross that ocean. and what will find me over there, i have no idea. already it is different as they make the welcome announcements in german. the english version is charming. the pilot is expecting a very... uh.. on time flight. we will arrive early because of strong tail winds the entire flight. i like to think of a strong wind pushing me there.

it is a relief to be going and a relief to not know where i am going once i am there. i look forward to the strangers and the food and the way things will smell different and i'll come back and it will hurt a little when something reminds me.

it is the beginning and it has been a long time. i won't mention anything from home in this book. in this book i am in europe.

6/9/08 11:50 PM

work became too much. just enough to make me need to leave. so in the dark i drive out to the lake.

on my way out i am destined to run out of gas so i call doug at 10:15 pm as i take the east selkirk turnoff last minute in the dark. i ask him how to get to the nearest gas station that is still open. he can hear i am tired. i ask if he was in bed and he says no. i ask him again and this time i hear his car door open and he says he’s in his truck. he’s coming to meet me. by the time my tank is full doug is there in his weekend clothes. he asks if i’m all done and i say yes. he says ‘come on, i’ll take you back’ and leads me back to the highway. it is the best part of my day. i call to tell him so. i am crying but he doesn’t know.

i carry on to end my day at the lake. and it does not let me down. the sound of the water against the beach, the solar lights along the path, the woodstove and some good music. the night sky is gorgeous turning the trees to velvet. it is all so dark and i will awaken to green. for the first time, i will see this place alive with young green upon the trees. the grass is plush i can tell even in the dark. getting wood with the flashlight, i know it was right to come out. i stand and listen to the water and the quiet and it all falls away. i go inside where the music and the fire are alive and i dance.

this is where i am happiest. paint brushes await me tomorrow. i will hide away and paint and sing. i will wake up here..

i meant to get more done but the house feels warm regardless. i know that i am on my own and there are moments of such comfort in that. sometimes you wonder about more. and it wears you out a little. and so when you realize that there is nothing there, it feels like relief to be on your own.

it's strange how much in my car alone or walking down a sidewalk where sun comes through trees and weave the way with sun and shade, i feel such romance in life. and yet with humans it's so rare. it's everywhere and it's there so often, but seems to disappear in the presence of those who look for it. not to say he looked for it. but i think he at least wanted to. i think at minimum, he was disappointed that he didn't want to come closer.

and it's not that i didn't want to see it. i just don't want to have to look for it. i want to not be able to look away. i want to steal every glance i can. i want to feel anticipation from across a table. i want to want.

it's so strange how you can have such ease with some and such little ease with others..

it's been a productive day, but that's not what i want to say.

there's so much left to do.

still not what i want to say..

i wish i could create music like the stuff i listen to as i write. if i could, that is what i would be doing now.

getting closer..

i'd never leave, i'd never stop leaving, i would find open windows everywhere..

but i'm sitting here and the windows are closed. the inside door is open and that's a start.

getting colder..

i feel let down. i know that's my own responsibility.

everytime i let it go, i have to let it go again. one day i want it to let go instead.

that's all, that's not all.

my favourite music to listen to right now starts like leaving. and then smiling. and then hurting. but peacefully without attachment. the horns come in and my mind stops thinking. everything is right.

i've got it on repeat for this post. if you could hear it your mind would stop thinking i'm pretty sure.

the day was one of my favourites in awhile. i was happy for the snow, though i know spring is coming. i awoke still bothered by someones negativity from the day before, though i wish i could say i wasn't. i got in the car and when the music started i left it behind, relieved. i couldn't stop my smile.

i drove through the park with the snow falling just like it did another favourite day. i stopped at the conservatory and just like the horns, my mind stopped thinking. by this time each winter, i need to visit the conservatory to be reminded of humid green beautiful. there is a lot of care in that place. i miss ruby begonia's..

i napped in my car outside the cafe i wanted to eat at waiting for them to open. when i woke up it was still closed so i went to see the post secret exhibit at the art gallery. i can't believe i forget about these things. i returned to the cafe and wrote. it's where i always used to go. i am becoming a regular again.

i bought some watercolours. it's been too long. i cleaned the house. i set up the easle. i am going to listen to these horns and paint.

it was the best day in awhile. the other days have been good. this one was exceptional.