enchantments and disenchantments

2011-12-20T22:13:00.002-06:00

in my heart there was a child.

2011-05-26T01:10:00.002-05:00

sometimes i can't tell if i'm young or old. if i'm wise or foolish. if i am right or wrong.

am i supposed to be less decided? should i let more happen the way it does and want less to change outcomes, even when they are unhealthy? there is a zen buddhist in me, lifetimes away who says yes. i'm just not there yet. i am working on it though, with many failures under my belt. i say that gently because i know that we fail in life and it doesn't mean we'll never succeed. i just have a tough time to put aside some hard feelings to move past certain things. i have a hard time forgiving situations that perpetuate. that much i can see. it makes me go back to the first line of this post.

2011-04-02T22:20:00.002-05:00

i want a nice little space that is like a fire crackling away in the fireplace in a room that is warm in thought and in light and heat. i want to find more artistic elements in my days. i want to retain freedom even in the things that steal it. i want to lend my freedom to some beautiful little people who will teach me humility and test how irish i am and show me what it is to be alive. i want to not let it all ebb away at my love for all that i love. i want to walk down the aisle. i want all that i have. i am afraid but not of what i have, more of what i have to lose. that is no way to live, but i can't help but grasp sometimes. i have so much..

grace

2011-02-13T18:25:00.008-06:00

the other day i found an old suitcase in the basement. it was filled with memories of a younger self, a different time. a necklace that represented love, match books i used to light cigarettes with, a notebook with addresses to write home to, a photograph of an old friend and i in our youth, a poem, a train ticket, the sleeve from a mixed tape listing the songs meant to keep me company on the road, vials of essential oils with smells that bring me back. the suitcase itself smells of comfort and memory inside. i'm not sure how it got such a delicate and welcoming smell, all closed up for so long. i'm glad it does.

the mirror built in to the lid of the suitcase is broken and even that is comforting, just knowing that the years of bad luck that might have ensued have long passed. like everything else in the suitcase, any burden it carried has long since subsided. a good reminder in itself.

the memories are sweet. i was alone a lot back then. i kept company with strangers more than friends. strangers became my friends. i played guitar more. i sang more. i wrote more. i timed my days around dusk, rain, meteorites, falling leaves. i was a regular in coffee shops, i was less confident and more wise. i was not afraid and for that, i love that suitcase the most.

and so, the last few days have been to remind me. of letting myself be guided, of finding beauty in the small things, of how beautiful of a life i have been graced to be a part of.

which brings me here, to a new space in my home where i hope to be able to take some of what lives inside my mind and heart and let it have a place outside of me. it is simple and clean and beautiful. it is a blank canvas, minus the intimidation ;)

the wisdom to know the difference

2011-01-26T19:29:00.002-06:00

i feel like i break things trying sometimes.

all of this coming together and coming apart

2010-12-30T06:04:00.005-06:00

it's peaceful with him. as we prepare to marry, i am so grateful for the love we have found. i feel at peace when i cook him a meal. he feels at peace when he carries for me what i used to carry alone.

with my parents, it is peaceful. my mom sees our love and knows our family will grow. my dad sees our love and i know he loves chris for loving me with the same grace and patience as he does. they both love him for taking care of me.

it is peaceful with friends. the friends who celebrate him with me feel like a part of our extended family and i am so grateful for them.

it is peaceful in business. we have gained great neighbors and friends and to find those things in a business partnership is serendipitous.

it is peaceful with extended family. when i least expect it, certain people reach out in small ways and i appreciate it.

and then there is the coming apart. maybe they would have come apart anyway. or maybe my value with them was that i was alone. maybe there was some kind of brotherhood in being single. except that i never valued being alone as a brotherhood. i valued it for the things i learned through solitude. i relished in it after relationships that were a struggle. i loved it for what it was. but i never hung my hat on it. somehow, in finding love, i have let some people down. it's hard to know whether to look at it as an ending. i guess for now, i hold judgement and wait.

some of the coming apart is in ways i could not have imagined. it is disheartening to know that my presence in his life seems to be threat to some and a cold draft comes at me instead of love. i never saw it coming.

and then there is that single rose whose thorns have been more evident than its petals. i am finally at peace with letting go.

i miss my blog

2010-12-21T22:18:00.006-06:00

i keep trying to start new blogs. they're all over. typepad, blogger, but none of them feel like home. i just miss my old blog. why is it any different i wonder.. strange that a computer page can be so comforting, drenched with all your old thoughts..

so, i'll come back here, to these vacant halls of my familiar old blog...

* * *

i read today that in order to go through certain doors, to cross thresholds, we must put down what we carry, open the door and then take only what we need to bring inside. we cannot hold onto things and enter. i'm having a hard time putting things down to enter. i just don't know how to.

2010-08-19T01:21:00.003-05:00

so, he did take care of me, look out for me, protect me. the moment i realized that he had already been doing it, i tried to make sure he did not see that i was crying because it would look silly for me to be crying out of nowhere like that.

it seems like time for this blog to end.. it is filled with old love and things that represent a different time in my life. i think it is time for a new space to write in. i miss writing with a pen. i may bring back the pen. where you can't backspace and all of your mind changing is evident.

2010-07-26T20:47:00.003-05:00

sometimes i just want him to defend my honor. i admit it. i am not a damsel in distress. i am not incapable of holding my own. i just want him to see that i am not faring well, and take me out of there. not because i asked. i want him to do it because he does not want to see me feeling that way. his chivalry in every other way is amazing, and rare, so i don't mean to ask for more. it just makes me feel so alone to be on my own with it..

2010-06-14T21:16:00.003-05:00

i am finding out that i am happy. i am trying to let go of all the things i never really know i'm holding onto. i am feeling loneliness leave my body. it's being replaced with love. not only from chris. from the people who couldn't permeate me quite as well when i kept up such a high guard. from my parents. from friends who are becoming like family. from people who are almost strangers.

it's what i wanted for so long. family. i was looking for it in the wrong places. i was feeling let down. i was building walls and alliances with solitude. i believed it was what i was most cut out for.

it's what some people loved in me. i am not sure if they will still love me as i move away from that solitary life, time will tell. my days feel richer with the love family brings. not monthly or weekly visits, but a daily presence. i want children. i still find my time alone vital and enjoyable, but i want to spend it in the garden or in our home. i love creating a space for us to raise children in, gather with friends and family in, grow old in..

2010-04-19T06:12:00.002-05:00

it seems like life is reminding me these days about how a heart can break. like a river thawing in the spring, sometimes it breaks with small cracks that you can hear before see and sometimes with such thunder that it's hard to believe we can withstand it.

we're petty. we're generally petty. when our hearts break enough, we sometimes listen. i want to listen even when my hearts not breaking.

2010-02-10T21:07:00.002-06:00

our house is becoming a home. trucker went away and i gained perspective and nothing changed. i still look over at him and love the authority of his brow. i still am amazed at how much he knows. he still keeps me in check and knows where my bookmark is when i am reading on the couch and need to put my book down. 'under your left thigh' he says and i can't do anything but feel lucky and mark my page..

cold snap

2010-01-29T08:38:00.000-06:00

i love winter as it settles in like a dog circling his bed before curling up. dusk throws blue light over fresh snow, the air is fresh and the world feels clean.

my love of winter ends at -20, and my distain for it kicks in at -25. the ruts in the roads, the bitter cold, the way exhaust hangs in the air, it all feels unkind. the nights don't seem to find purple skies and our bodies get in the habit of tensing up.

amazingly it ends every year, but we're still a ways away from hearing the loud, beautiful thunder of rivers unthawing. i look forward to more gentle air..

2010-01-21T21:11:00.005-06:00

i didn't even realize the heaviness. it followed me like it loved something about me. i didn't love it back, but it stuck around until i figured out another way. there was a dullness for a couple of years. it was hard to notice sometimes, it didn't steal enough to always see. it showed itself more by the contrast of its absence when it disappeared. it went away like dark things that don't matter anymore. it feels like forgiveness.

a train is coming through again.

now has become the new now

2010-01-18T20:58:00.004-06:00

an actual present tense, without living for something in the future or holding on to something in the past. i wake up in the morning and look forward to my day. i leave the house, pick up a coffee and begin building. setting up shop is almost complete, and now we go to marketing. it is like getting to exercise muscles that have been dying to be used.

it is great to feel alive again. to feel proud of what i am doing again. and in love! we have passed a threshold. it is a relief to not want to keep him at bay or keep things from getting serious. it is my pattern to do so. to keep myself alone. i am used to getting uncomfortable when someone starts to grow feelings for me. and for awhile i was wincing, waiting for it to happen, for the usual sadness and disappointment i feel to finally admit to myself that it is not working, for the heaviness of having hurt someone else. for the relief to be on my own. but it didn't come. what has come instead is a steadiness. a warm love. a smile to myself during my day when i think about him.

last night i couldn't sleep because a neighbor of my parents is harassing them and upsetting my mom quite a lot. i don't want anyone hurting my parents, affecting their sleep or their sense of well-being in any way. this sense of anger that someone was stealing restful nights from my mom was keeping me from resting as well. and then i thought of him. he is on the road, and while he was not beside me to put his hand on my back, i realized that he is beside me always now. it amazes me how much his love was able to make me feel better. it felt like when i was younger and couldn't sleep and my mom would make the couch up with sheets and a blanket and pillow, make me tea and rub my back until i fell asleep (i still sleep on the couch when i'm feeling uncertain...). it feels like.. relief. to have that feeling back, of feeling like someone's love for you is enough to keep the bad things away. to carry you through the things that are hard. to accept you for all that you are. to celebrate with you the good things.

i meant to write about other things, but i'll save those for another day..

moving on

2010-01-03T20:48:00.002-06:00

tomorrow i start a new chapter. i become a business owner. i leave behind the old, it has become a burden so much so that i have lost most of the sadness of leaving. when my guard is down, i still see it. i see myself over-react at things and know i am still hurt.

so it's there, but i am moving on. maybe i carry a little sadness with me. certainly the disappointment. always hard to learn how to let go of those things.

looking forward, i am content and grateful at the opportunities i am now creating for myself. i am happy to break away from those who were offering them before. they came at a cost that i still can't really understand.

tomorrow i wake up and begin to build a company.

2009-12-02T23:00:00.004-06:00

i am in love.. i guess i have said it, but it deserves being said twice. it deserves being said over and over.. it is amazing.

our house. our house.. last night we ran to the window to watch the three deer in our yard. we went to the bedroom to watch the one who stuck around as it walked to the south of the yard. in our darkened room so that we could see outside, we watched this beautiful buck with a missing antler graze in our yard. earlier i had gone out back and stood only feet away from a beautiful girl deer who looked at me and wagged her tail. we looked at each other for a bit and then she started to walk away. she looked back at me and i waved at her and told her i'd see her next time.

he is so good to me, Trucker.. the last couple of days have been rough for me. trouble with a friend and with my mom. the stress of starting a new business, leaving behind the old. the challenge of hearing what is being said. it is a time of transition. i take comfort in his love.

it happened so quickly, i know now what grandmothers mean when they say they knew..

2009-11-01T09:23:00.003-06:00

it feels amazing to be in love. for years i have been in patient anticipation and i am so grateful to have found him. and to have been found.

two days ago we bought our first house together. i have to write about it so that something is recorded so that i never forget a detail. i had seen the house already while he was out of town and i had loved it. when we walked in together, Trucker began pointing out things excitedly. he loved it. i had worried that he would be turned off by how much work it will need or by the pink toilet, sink and tub in the bathroom or the radiator heat. but he just held my hand as we walked through and smiled and grew excitement for it. he loved the original sixties basement with speakers built into the wall, the inset lighting, the old wet bar. he even loved the grungy storage area in the basement. it was like watching a kid open a gift they love on Christmas morning. the night before i could barely sleep feeling that same kind of anticipation. it is a rare thing as an adult that you are so excited about an event that you can't sleep. it was great to see his excitement join with mine. when we had a moment to ourselves in the basement he took my hand and said, 'you did good, baby'. i smiled up at him and fell in love a little bit more.

after walking around the yard and looking at the garage (garage!), we stood on the driveway and i looked at him and said 'so, yes?' and without hesitation he confirmed, 'yes'. we walked around the truck parked in the driveway and i told Sasha, the owner's son (who was handling the sale) that the big boss says yes. we went inside and did up the paperwork. i sat at the old dining table in the dining room, Trucker stood beside me. after we had both signed, i stood up and walked back into the living room as Sasha and Trucker talked about the house a little. i looked around our living room and down the hall at where one day our children's rooms will be. i stood in our future and fought back tears. i felt the life where i was on my own come to an official end. when Trucker joined me in the living room i slipped my arm around him and he pulled me in beside him. this is our house. and it's already filled with love and happiness.

2009-10-21T23:17:00.004-05:00

i'm busy and i'm happy and my mind works overtime when i do. i think a lot these days about change. i think about moving to the lake. i think about leaving real estate. i think about starting a different kind of business. and then i stay where i am and continue doing what i am doing. and find myself oddly happy for both. it perplexes me. how happy i can be doing the thing that drives me to want change.

it's sort of like, sometimes i want a child. not a right now child, but a one day in the not entirely distant future child. and then sometimes i realize how happy i am in my life of total freedom. and i wonder if i would miss my freedom too much. i wonder if i would realize too late that i am not cut out for it. that i should have stayed doing what i was doing. like management. i know management and babies are different, but when i realized that management was not for me, i was able to go back to what i used to do. how can i know if i would be happy still?

i work. it's what i do. and i'm happy when i'm doing it. okay, sometimes it drives me crazy.

when i'm not working, i love the leisure of cooking and working around the house or yard. being at the lake. i guess with babies, i could draw more of my satisfaction from those things.. but would i miss it?

i would need to find a way to earn a living. not that Trucker would not provide for me, because i know he would, and knowing that is a peaceful feeling. i would need my own income not out of necessity but so as not to lose any more freedom than i would lose in bearing children in the first place. maybe it's why i seek change. maybe i need to start finding my way towards a way to earn my own money outside of selling real estate. while remaining self-employed. no, while becoming a business owner.

so that is what i want. to find my way to a form of income that is feasible should that Trucker and i so decide on babies.

2009-10-20T20:21:00.002-05:00

i miss writing. i keep stopping, i shouldn't. i should write and write, really.

i am getting back to feeling at home in my life. management was wrong for me. it was a job and it made me feel unlike myself. i'm glad to be back to freedom.

and so with this freedom, i am finding myself comfortable again. i am more productive. i am happier. i have Trucker.. he's lovely. i couldn't see exactly how lovely at first and he just stayed near until i did. he seemed to know. he had a confidence that i belonged with him. as many times as i told him it would not work out, told him not to fall for me, he would tell me that he was not going let me push him away. i remember when he started to win me. it was summer and we were having dinner on the patio of the keg on moray and he looked at me and said, you know what you are? you're my june carter. i can almost climb back into that moment, where i tilted my head and looked at him the way you might look at someone who just made you question something you always thought you knew. i smiled and he held my gaze while the future began to take hold. he had the look of someone who knew. like he'd been to the future and just knew.

2009-09-22T22:28:00.003-05:00

everything makes me sad today. everything makes my heart ache. the unknown. a photo of my cousin standing. track 11. my dad getting older.

and at the same time i feel calm. of all the times i have loved being on my own, i am so glad to not be on my own now.

i feel like something is coming. something sad. there are all sorts of small endings inching it closer. i just want to stop time here. slow things down. enjoy life with everyone i love.

when i was in italy last year, i sat alone at a table at an outdoor restaurant in rome, near vatican city. an excerpt from my journal; when i look beside me, i see green and wrought iron and lanterns and old buildings with shutters and vines that creep arched openings that spill out with plants and flowers. the top of what might be a church. blue sky. one red flower. the wind is light and it feels like roberto's kisses. i want to stay right here, in this moment. i am overwhelmed with how badly i just want life to pause right here. tears come from nowhere. from forgetting to be kissed. from happiness. from gratitude. from relief that i finally remembered to stop. from knowing that if i could really pause here, i would always have my parents, i would always be young, i would know that later today a beautiful man would look at me and kiss me. and so this becomes a moment where life stops. a moment where life begins again.

that moment was like a precursor. a gift. a reminder to give thanks. to enjoy what you have while you have it. i cried so hard on that patio in rome, without knowing where it was coming from. the poor waiter didn't know what to do. i was the only one there and he just let me be. i left light as air.

looking at the date of that entry, it was almost exactly a year ago today. it has been on my mind lately.. no matter where you are, there fall is.

no big differences these days, just the same old walkaway

2009-07-04T10:53:00.003-05:00

one person always seems to be holding more cards than the other. it feels wrong to hold the heavier hand and worse still to lose them all..

i wish i knew myself better.. so often i think i do, but then i find out how little i know when love comes near.. i see it up ahead, coming towards me and i start complaining about everything. i start picking apart all the reasons it could not work. i start pushing him. not sure if i want him to push back to set my mind at ease that he won’t let me push too hard or if i want to just push him away.

what i want is for him to reach over and take away some of my cards. without being unkind or unfair. just to take them from me. and to know that i am still safe with him without them.

but instead, he is kind and fair and good and lets me keep any cards i choose. i turn against him and then wonder what is wrong with me.

* * *

and now i see that i struggle through my days. i am turning harder and harder. forgetting more. leaving behind consciousness. living inside a false consciousness. the question why begs an answer. i know when it began. i considered myself trapped, and ultimately was, considering the consequence of breaking commitment. i began to allow my days to involve too many things i am not about. i did it all behind a heavy door and some bad feelings. now as i anticipate the opening of that door, i have considered my only option turning to two and they have become as heavy as the initial burden, sparked with excitement at the possibility of light.

only now do i see that i have to consider that neither of those options may be right for me. only now do i see how important it really is that i not choose but rather listen. it is time to take some risks again. it's time to quiet down and listen..

i still like you, regardless

2009-06-09T08:35:00.004-05:00

it's familiar and new all at once. it's a bird in a cage in my mind and in the trees by the lake in real life.

it's so graceful the way he talks to them. he's beautiful and interesting through the blades of grass. he picks me a dandelion and we decide that the light refracting through faraway raindrops is for us. a reward. we buy a lottery ticket.

we drink whiskey by the fire. there is some kind of truth to whiskey drinking, so we keep on. his eyes are alive the way they were the night i met him.. that night his eyes were shining with light and warmth. i wanted to make him a meal. i wanted to touch his hand. i wanted to know everything about him, all in a moment. not to have him. just to remember how warm a hand on my back can feel. just to put my armor down for a time.

he looked like relief. with an underlying sadness that relief often sits on. i know that relief. i was there too. he began to tell me that there are things that are not the same as this moment, but the others started to come back into the cottage and he switched tracks, effortlessly. he threw logs into the fire and joked with no abandon and i laughed so hard i never wanted to leave. when i did leave, he looked at me like it was not possible. i agreed secretly and left anyway.

and now the question is, will i keep leaving? and i try to guard against it and keep him at bay. he writes me at note while we play chess. he places it in his bishop and i sacrifice mine to get it; i still like you, regardless.

2008-11-29T23:41:00.002-06:00

i have mixed feelings these days i admit.. it's a struggle i admit. some stuff i thought i left behind creeps up and then oddly, more things i left behind follow. even our ghosts follow each other.

but amongst the stress and the uncertainty, i find myself finally taking a moment without avoiding. without tuning everything out. and i find that i love to be at home in my house with my dogs and good music and the warm light and air. that at least while i am here, i do not need to avoid.

i guess i forget to breath and take everything too seriously. i guess i lose track.

i went through recent photo's tonight and i am filled with gratitude. i forget sometimes. i get lost in all the details of what is not going the way i would like and i lose track of what is important. we're always losing things. every day we lose another day. some days we lose bigger things. some days we lose our best friend. some days we lose opportunity. some day we'll lose what we can't imagine losing. some days we wake up and realize what we lost over all the days we were not aware enough to realize we were losing.

and so i need to practice some patience..

2008-10-15T23:34:00.002-05:00

we start out rusty. all the small talk in the world cannot unfold us. and then the familiar sound of skype ringing. i can't hear him but he can hear me. i type anyway. can't help but to laugh sometimes and it unfolds him.

it's how we started last time on skype. only i could hear him, he could not hear me. he was less shy and spoke as i typed back to him. i loved it. i will try to be less shy next time..

i think he wants to tell me something.

return of the jedi

2008-10-13T18:03:00.005-05:00

so as my plane departed, john wrote some words and i could not receive them properly from away. but i am back and now it is time to back off from any defenses and consider it because it is love. love deserves consideration..

i have been trying to write to him but it is hard to write to him. i need to try to sort it out. it's hard because i am a mess compared to then. it's hard because i worked too much. because i want what he can give me but i'm also afraid of it. he requires so much of me and i don't feel strong. i feel hard. i never meant to be this hard. i never meant to be this tough.. i want to be softer. i think he can give me that. a place to be softer. stronger.

so here are the plus'.

no, let's end with the plus'. here are the negatives..

i worry that his lifestyle is too strict for me. i worry that he will find me to be too messy for him. in every way. i worry that he will privately hope, worse, believe that i will become buddhist. that in his heart, he will go in not actually accepting me but just believing i will come around. having faith that it will happen. i want to be able to not always be strong because i am not always strong. some of his beliefs are difficult for me. i have to stop because i recognize that the rest of it is different ways of saying the same things.

the plus'..

i was happier with him than i am now. i was happier with him than i was ever. or at least as happy as my happiest. i was open. i was softer.

today in the car on the way back from the lake, charlie tried so hard to get to ride on my lap. he doesn't love the car but puts up with it really well considering. he needs to glue himself to whatever is near him, but the only thing that really calms him is if it is a beating heart he leans into. he just wants a beating heart nearby. and this morning as i read my book in the morning at the lake and my mom turned on cjob and started the coffee brewing, just her footsteps near and the sound of her moving about calmed me. it was before his email, but i recognized twice before coming home the value of a beating heart nearby.

and the value of order. the order in johns life scares me. and yet, it is also what i want, in proper measure. i feel better around my parents as they keep everything in order and do things right. i don't like being in disorder..

i'll only post this briefly and then erase it i think.. i'm laughing because i am fairly certain only one person really reads this thing.

excerpts from europa - part 1

2008-10-05T07:47:00.002-05:00

september 9, 2008

i am sitting on a plane in Chicago. in eight hours i will be in germany. i'll finally cross that ocean. and what will find me over there, i have no idea. already it is different as they make the welcome announcements in german. the english version is charming. the pilot is expecting a very... uh.. on time flight. we will arrive early because of strong tail winds the entire flight. i like to think of a strong wind pushing me there.

it is a relief to be going and a relief to not know where i am going once i am there. i look forward to the strangers and the food and the way things will smell different and i'll come back and it will hurt a little when something reminds me.

it is the beginning and it has been a long time. i won't mention anything from home in this book. in this book i am in europe.

6/9/08 11:50 PM

2008-06-11T20:42:00.001-05:00

work became too much. just enough to make me need to leave. so in the dark i drive out to the lake.

on my way out i am destined to run out of gas so i call doug at 10:15 pm as i take the east selkirk turnoff last minute in the dark. i ask him how to get to the nearest gas station that is still open. he can hear i am tired. i ask if he was in bed and he says no. i ask him again and this time i hear his car door open and he says he’s in his truck. he’s coming to meet me. by the time my tank is full doug is there in his weekend clothes. he asks if i’m all done and i say yes. he says ‘come on, i’ll take you back’ and leads me back to the highway. it is the best part of my day. i call to tell him so. i am crying but he doesn’t know.

i carry on to end my day at the lake. and it does not let me down. the sound of the water against the beach, the solar lights along the path, the woodstove and some good music. the night sky is gorgeous turning the trees to velvet. it is all so dark and i will awaken to green. for the first time, i will see this place alive with young green upon the trees. the grass is plush i can tell even in the dark. getting wood with the flashlight, i know it was right to come out. i stand and listen to the water and the quiet and it all falls away. i go inside where the music and the fire are alive and i dance.

this is where i am happiest. paint brushes await me tomorrow. i will hide away and paint and sing. i will wake up here..

2008-04-28T21:59:00.002-05:00

i meant to get more done but the house feels warm regardless. i know that i am on my own and there are moments of such comfort in that. sometimes you wonder about more. and it wears you out a little. and so when you realize that there is nothing there, it feels like relief to be on your own.

it's strange how much in my car alone or walking down a sidewalk where sun comes through trees and weave the way with sun and shade, i feel such romance in life. and yet with humans it's so rare. it's everywhere and it's there so often, but seems to disappear in the presence of those who look for it. not to say he looked for it. but i think he at least wanted to. i think at minimum, he was disappointed that he didn't want to come closer.

and it's not that i didn't want to see it. i just don't want to have to look for it. i want to not be able to look away. i want to steal every glance i can. i want to feel anticipation from across a table. i want to want.

it's so strange how you can have such ease with some and such little ease with others..

2008-04-20T22:54:00.003-05:00

it's been a productive day, but that's not what i want to say.

there's so much left to do.

still not what i want to say..

i wish i could create music like the stuff i listen to as i write. if i could, that is what i would be doing now.

getting closer..

i'd never leave, i'd never stop leaving, i would find open windows everywhere..

but i'm sitting here and the windows are closed. the inside door is open and that's a start.

getting colder..

i feel let down. i know that's my own responsibility.

everytime i let it go, i have to let it go again. one day i want it to let go instead.

that's all, that's not all.

2008-03-08T23:41:00.005-06:00

my favourite music to listen to right now starts like leaving. and then smiling. and then hurting. but peacefully without attachment. the horns come in and my mind stops thinking. everything is right.

i've got it on repeat for this post. if you could hear it your mind would stop thinking i'm pretty sure.

the day was one of my favourites in awhile. i was happy for the snow, though i know spring is coming. i awoke still bothered by someones negativity from the day before, though i wish i could say i wasn't. i got in the car and when the music started i left it behind, relieved. i couldn't stop my smile.

i drove through the park with the snow falling just like it did another favourite day. i stopped at the conservatory and just like the horns, my mind stopped thinking. by this time each winter, i need to visit the conservatory to be reminded of humid green beautiful. there is a lot of care in that place. i miss ruby begonia's..

i napped in my car outside the cafe i wanted to eat at waiting for them to open. when i woke up it was still closed so i went to see the post secret exhibit at the art gallery. i can't believe i forget about these things. i returned to the cafe and wrote. it's where i always used to go. i am becoming a regular again.

i bought some watercolours. it's been too long. i cleaned the house. i set up the easle. i am going to listen to these horns and paint.

it was the best day in awhile. the other days have been good. this one was exceptional.

coming back..

2008-02-27T21:16:00.005-06:00

something is coming back. like a texture to my days. something to savour. a world i know about..

i think the first time i had a taste of it was when i dated erik t in grade 12. we used to sit by the river. i remember eating dinner with my family and smiling to myself because there was a world i knew about.

i found it travelling. the train held that texture. the walls of different stations, the hands of strangers, the words and glances. the landscape sweeping past. sometimes it was so beautiful it hurt. sometimes tears came and i kept a hood up and watched ontario roll by.

john and i found it. he said, 'My minds eye is pleased with a taste of your winter snow. When you lend me your eye like that and you break through to the foot of my chair with your finer words - I am happy.' we fell in love. i was at home at the foot of his chair.

and these days, i find it again. on my own, though i like to think that i'll be at the foot of someone's chair again sometime. but the texture is back. my mind is fertile and lush. it is a relief. it is quiet and calm. it is clean.

2007-12-23T20:22:00.000-06:00

so alot has been going on and i guess i should write more.. but i don't like writing about what happens.

so i'll just say that i feel life pulling apart from something that was before. certain people have been becoming so comforting, reassuring. it's a relief to be around them. because certain others it seems are uncomfortable and it is making me uncomfortable. it doesn't make sense to me and probably never will, and i am coming to terms with that. i can't change it. i can't make them comfortable.

so as the year comes to a close, i look forward to the new year. it is exciting and terrifying and if nothing else, i feel very alive. i will take on some new challenges and i'm grateful for the opportunity. before i could even know what was happening, i asked for something and got it long before i expected. i'm pretty sure i still don't understand fully, but i'm glad it's that way.

i'm listening to music that is new to me but reminds me of a spring gone by nonetheless.. it's her voice i guess. i'll have to patch together what i can. it's a process i love. it involves the antique sideboard and the lake and thoughts that get to be spoken quietly over a sunset. it also involves a newly renovated building full of business and problems and solutions and resposibilities. i will drive back and forth between the lake and the responsibilities.

2007-11-07T00:22:00.000-06:00

it's amazing what a photograph can bring back. the shifting back and forth of the train. the exact warmth and weight of a mans hand in your own. the way his top lip would push slightly upward as he exhaled, and the relief that was being conveyed when that would happen. the feeling of getting out. the feeling of knowing we had something that was the same.

his hand, his hand.. the trains movement, how free we were. how the others saw it. how hard i cried in the toronto station. how the guy who took my ticket looked at me like, "oh!..." and lit my cigarette, back when i still smoked cigarettes. the coffee, the kitchen, the late train and long delay that i loved for the time we had with the train to ourselves as it slept in the station.. the old man named coleman. the time we saw him on the bench and he knew..

everytime i'm in toronto, i make an effort to touch the walls of that station.

2007-11-03T19:54:00.000-05:00

i am behind on keeping the pen in motion, i really must become more diligent. it is good to keep a record. especially when the moments are so amazing. how many have i forgotten? today i walked by a woman with her child in time to hear her repeat what he had just said, "you're beautiful?" she echoed it back to him in question form (though i'm sure she agreed) followed by "okay" and i was ecstatic to have witnessed it.

i am on the horizon of something new. i keep feeling it coming through. unmistakeable. anticipation..

2007-10-08T17:07:00.003-05:00

it is time for a change. i am already in it. the change is already in motion, it is just time for me to follow suit. it is time to not sit still and when i do sit still, to actually be still.

it is important every now and again to take inventory. what do you have. what have you lost. what do you hope to gain. who is present with you.

the last question is a tough one at these days. and i guess a refreshing one if i look at it in the right light at the right moment. it is a hard one because i am alone. and it is a refreshing one because i don't like stale air.

and yet i have been allowing stale air all around me. i have allowed my house to not be a home. i have allowed friends to speak ill of me or me ill of them. i have allowed my body to be at rest too much. i have allowed my life to be easy.

i have also allowed myself some successes. i have given my mother a smile i can't ever forget and have made my father proud. i have surpassed my own expectations in my career. i have decided to consider a challenge i recently did not believe i was capable of. i have cleaned out the kitchen cupboards.

i have also found myself recently having a change of heart. i'm not sure if i normally have this change of heart. maybe it's about the leaves and the prettiness of the trees. maybe it is the cottage and the woodstove. maybe it is the trails in the forest. but it feels like something different this time. of course, it is absolutely all of those things. but i think every season may bring those things this year. soon it will be the pretty white sign that spells noel in cursive with stars that hang from it sitting on the sideboard with tealights lit all around. it will be the way the sky gets purple on a mild evening and the way the moon is low in the sky just when you had forgotten to look for it. it will be the way the heat smells the first time you turn it on. it will be walking in snow shoes on the lake and the relief when the cottage finally gets warm. my heart would break. and then it will be the river breaking and the wind getting soft. it will be the first day the sun actually warms your back and you smile automatically. it would be bittersweet. and then of course, it would be the windows open, the water, the midnight summer storm through the windows of the cottage.. it would bring a deep longing..

i no longer want to be alone. i have wanted to be alone for so long. even when i didn't want to be alone, i wanted to be alone. and i wonder whether to trust the feeling, as i always seem to return to solitude. but it is just where i am most comfortable. it is where nobody grasps at me. it is where i am not saddened by how little i am understood and how little my partner actually feels like a partner. i have only truly experienced the difference once. and perhaps that is why i stand here, wanting sincerely someone near. not for a moment or a day. but for every day, in silence and in conversation and in happiness and sadness. i am perhaps finally getting over him. i am perhaps finally ready for what he taught me can exist.

i never used to have a pretty white sign that spelled noel in cursive letters with stars hanging from it. i was in the little store near the cottage yesterday and i saw it and just picked it up and bought it. and then i realized that i was nesting. i was creating a warm home for a man. i have this yearning to clear a space at the foot of my bed for his boots. to cook for him a warm meal.. i want to live in a way that would make him proud. it's been awhile since i've wanted to do that.

and so i have been making room. it's work but if ever i have the chance again to love the way i loved and to feel love the way i felt love, i want to be fertile ground for it.

oh, and i think i may travel. if my career takes a turn that it has possibility of taking, i would like to first travel. for at least a month. europe maybe. central america possibly. i think it's europe. it is no longer australia. for the first time in a few years now, it is not australia.

2007-08-05T22:02:00.000-05:00

i'm spending my days remembering. sometimes the light and heat are just right in the house and i walk through and the music floats out the windows into air that's neither heavy nor light. the floors feel solid, the dogs lye stretched out, satisfied from the day.

i'm satisfied as well. i've come across these things of late: some antique furniture, home-made raspberry jam, a new spice, pickling cucumbers, some photographs.

things changed and then i smelled the dill in the garden and everything went back to how it always was.

2007-07-29T23:27:00.000-05:00

these pages echoe like a vacant room, but i like the sound, so i write..

tonight i painted over the walls in my bedroom. it was surprisingly cathartic to see the old walls disappear. i cleared a space. i ended a fight. i smiled where i may have cried. i can almost feel the old things end and some new things begin. life is this way when we allow it. it may be years since some of those tears but it still feels a relief to see those walls dissapear..

i am overwhelmed sometimes with all i have been given. and now a new room where there is room again..

2007-06-10T23:10:00.001-05:00

it is hard to describe where the sadness comes from, but it comes. and it's a peaceful moment. it comes when you realize you are on your own, even amidst those who love you. and that seperation reminds you that you are fine. being fine alone is what is sad. and that sadness is peaceful because that peace is what makes you fine.

sadness is appropriate. it is not depressed or flattened. it is full of texture. it is like a beautiful fabric that only you can touch. it remains a photograph to appreciate to anyone else.

it's just hard because we're so used to satiating ourselves and sadness leaves us with our hands tied. it comes when we have a moment to feel it. when everything else stops. when we have no choice but to sit it out.

there's more, but that's all for now.

2007-05-22T01:01:00.001-05:00

i got home and my house smelled the way our old house smelled when we'd been away at the cabin. outside it smells sweet and warm and colleen said it would storm. there was just a bit of thunder and i turned on a lamp.

i've been forgetting again and while forgetting is hard and painful, remembering is as sweet as the air outside at midnite before a storm. the weight of it all lifts off and i try to remind myself to remember. are we meant to forget just so that the remembering is sweeter?

life gets complicated and sometimes the reminders are of the hard things. of the times that still to this day you can't attach beauty to because you both forgot too much and you forgot to keep remembering. and just when you can't stomach to go through it again, a kinder word is spoken. and then friends gather between storms to watch a movie on a projector and the large screen is filled with love and it's more real than you would expect off a screen and everyone remembers their own things..

life is full of people as strange and wonderful as ourselves and there are no expectations when we have no expectations. there is only love amidst all the other stuff.

the weekend as i had looked ahead appeared to be ordinary and then i remembered to find a dinner shared with friends and a projection screen and suddenly the air outside and in were unordinary again.

if spring won't come to us...

2007-04-04T23:23:00.001-05:00

then we'll go to the trailer park boys

colleen and i went on a mission today. a mission that was nonsense really, driving around downtown winnipeg with a coffee looking for the trailer park boys because that's funny. we went to 92 citi fm and the A channel and the fairmont and the inn at the forks. we looked in the concourse. while walking through the concourse we saw our old boss and while the moment passed too quickly, we would have loved for him to stop and ask what we were doing down there. because the answer would be so exactly what he would expect from us. and we would have all laughed and he would have shaken his head and hopefully remembered that we used to all make some pretty good jokes at one time. . but the funniest thing would have been that we were really looking for them. they were going to a book signing at chapters in the afternoon, but that's too easy.

so we searched and found nothing but a stunning carefree day. we took a break so i could get some work done and met back up for the book signing. i won't bother with details other than to say that we ended up conquering our mission with a last minute dash to the airport where we said, sorry for showing up here, but.... and so ricky, bubbles, julian, colleen and i met at last. and i'd like to think we all enjoyed.

a good day in the world colleen and i sometimes live in. and the seasons only just beginning....

it's time...

2007-03-17T20:33:00.000-05:00

for a new look. it's spring and the old blog is full of winter and while there are lovely things back there, the change of season is upon us and it feels just like a new page. green like all things young and new. undoubtably the trees will sprout young leaves and the river will break up. in the north the whole town will talk about it.

i feel on my own so much these days. in a way that i find appealing and appropriate. and while i'd love to have someone to watch the river break with me, it feels right to watch it alone for now. i think when i'm not on my own, i miss some of the qualities of each process. alone my days fill up with beauty and i somehow feel less alone.

today it was chivonne. bonnie can attest to this. chivonne is a young black girl of 4 or 5 years old. she radiated warmth and happy energy. she approached all of the children around her with her warm smile and touched both of her hands to their face with such love. she was more gracious than most adults i've met, and had a deeper spirit than most as well. she had a little jump in her step and to me, she glowed..

and so the days go. some people glow and some don't. sometime we ourselves glow or don't.

monday the weather will be warm and i will find a photo for this post.

the new things

2007-03-03T20:35:00.000-06:00

i guess i never really formally introduced charlie murphy. he's the newest creature roaming around our home and he's lovely. named after himself and eddie murphy's brother, he lives up to his reputation as a funny black guy.

the other new thing maybe i'll premiere in a couple of weeks.

i guess i have more to say than i have time for right now, but i'm really excited about life. i keep doing wrong things, but i see that. and i think it will only get easier to do right things. the wrong things keep giving me the right messages and i'm learning how pointless certain negative processes are. i keep trying to eliminate negativity from my life and while it comes and goes, it gets harder and harder to accept it and as time goes on the belief that it is wrong gets deeper. moreso, the belief that positive thought, action, etc., bring about positive results becomes stronger. negativity is starting to feel like a splinter each time. the body knows there's something in there that doesn't belong and pushes it out. even where people around me say it's justified, even when i think it's justified, i know deep down that even if justified, it's destructive and unneccesary. and i know that it's a choice, regardless of how much it often does not feel like one.

i've seen how much a healthy mindset without boundaries has helped me in certain area's of my life and i would like to now extend that into other area's. certain negative thought patterns i have held onto for a long time because i think i felt i needed them for some reason. seems sad and unfitting to say that but it's true. i wasn't choosing enough of the right things so i had to keep some negativity around to make myself feel better. there is also the need to speak when i know something to be wrong around me, but i am seeing that speaking of it is essentially making me part of something wrong. complaint is a very tough one to get rid of but i know that will get easier and easier as it gets harder and harder to accept from myself. i am truly coming to believe that it is wrong. not intellectually, but further than that. it is like quitting smoking. i knew it was not what i wanted for years and tried over and over to quit and it wasn't until i believed myself stronger than it that i was able to give it up and then suddenly i put out a cigarette and said it was my last and it was a simple as that. our negative patterns feel like our friends in some ways and therefore we think we need them. i believe i am strong enough to give up complaint.

well...

2007-02-04T09:11:00.000-06:00

i guess i'll start slow. it's my birthday. a year went by.

colleen still came over to my parents for dinner. she was charming and funny. we relished in our own jokes just like last year.

last year my parents bought me all those beautiful plants. colleen put together a photo album of the two of us. after i drove her home i went home and felt calm and nervous all at once. and then i went to the airport and picked him up.

and i still can't write it all, but a year went by.

and i'm still happy.

2007-01-24T11:13:00.001-06:00

Heather's awake!!

2006-11-06T20:00:00.000-06:00

i just went to see her and while she still has tubes for breathing and therefore can't talk, she is awake and responsive. she kept squeezing my hand and i felt such warmth and life coming from her. i joked about her dad and my mom trying to set each of us up with young doctors in the hospital and she reacted in heather fashion and i felt so lucky to get to make a joke with her.

it has been a stressful week and a half but also an illuminating one. life is precious and we are so fortunate for all that it is. it seems we all lose track of that sometimes and focus on small things that went wrong in our day. sometimes we even think they are big things, like having our car broken into or getting rear ended or getting a bill we can't afford to pay in the mail. but if at the end of each day we still have all the abilities we had when we woke that morning and our friends and family are all intact, we should celebrate that our biggest problems are so minor.

thanks Lloyd and Bonnie for keeping her in your prayers, it means alot to me.

2006-10-28T20:17:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of my cousin Heather and I with with our little cousin Donovan at Cory and Skie's wedding dinner about a month ago. This was the family dinner I recently mentioned where I felt alone. Heather was one of the only parts of my evening that did not feel so much that way and that is always the effect she has on me. Though I am blacksheep, with Heather, I am not.

Heather was in a very bad car accident a couple of days ago and is in critical condition at health science centre. they don't know if she will live and if she lives, there is brain damage (they cannot say yet to what extent as they are keeping her heavily sedated to try to minimize the swelling of the brain) and she has broken vertibrae and it is possible there could be a spinal cord injury, but again, they can't tell yet. i have no eloquant words to say today, it's so jarring. it is terrifying and i notice that my mind does not allow the reality that it has even happened to sink in 90% of the time. the moments where i really take it in, i feel scared and sad and i want so badly for her to be okay. she's a really really fun girl, full of life and she makes you happy to be around her. i really want her to recover in body mind and spirit and i just wanted to ask if you guys would think of her in your prayers because i feel like she needs as much prayer as this world can muster and i feel like she is meant to make it through this.

somebody asked for some old writing..

2006-10-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

hmm.. seems like a lot when i scroll down, but that's what happens when you start looking through old notebooks i guess. old writing is plentiful and strange to look back on. even stranger to post like this. anyways....

i will stand
reeling with patience
armed with a sky behind
that is the color of tranquil
water
in dreams
when you dive through it
and sunlight filters
like smoke signals
in the evening
at the bonfire
we all fell
and did we appreciate
the thrill of it all
or did we just
land and stand up

(where are you now
and do you think of it?)

*****

i'm turning your face
into rain
and a smile
filters through the gloom
of this house
four walls surround me
a window
a door
which leads to more walls
more windows
more doors
eventually they lead to you

*****

travelling backwards
(is forwards a motion?)
leaving metal pieces
in time with cotton
sliding on wet wood
you cringe more
than you smile these days
is it something i did
i wonder because that
is what you wonder
at times like these
wondering how to get you
to speak to me again
to smile into me
again
it turns.
i fail to see which way
search memory
i must have passed a sign
the moons height and direction
must mean something
on this night
i roam away from you
you always warn me
about the beast
always tell me
don't get hurt
when did that stop
worrying you?
flesh is not always
the only sign of pain
flesh and pleasure
are not always
a sure sign
of love.

*****

i am leaving now. not this party. not this street. not your house. i am leaving. you ask me why. i must have answered you in my head, you stood there waiting long after the question. i answer, because i have already left. of course i am still here. you see me and i could still feel your hand if i would touch it. but i have begun a departure. back to where i left off and forward from where i am. direction is of no matter.
but of course my silence is all you can hear, you have not yet crawled into my unspoken words. they remain only my own when you don't answer.
these days are your own.
why does there have to be the time between. the time between our words. the time between when you and i leave and when our bodies part. what should we do with this time? should we make love while we can. or should we scream at the walls from seperate houses. then we would never hear how much we could hurt each other.

*****

layers of paint
upon your bedroom walls
your life has changed
since striped wall paper
i want to scrape it all away
layer by layer
and find out
every memory
long since painted over
the day
anger
(yours or theirs?)
punched a hole in the door
you never told me
what shape the shadows took
at nite
or what under water games you played
when the color was blue
or about the frogs you killed
by mistake
and then surveyed
the bucket
of grey, matted death
in the backyard

*****

sitting idle
the engine's running
just waiting for the windshield
to clear
we're very good at making silence
awkward
and you're very clever
at avoiding guilt
with your kind smile
and lighthearted humour
right before you speed away
in your car,
leaving me in a cloud
of exhaust,
laughing at me
laughing at you
we are so alike.

*****

we have already decieved each other
through thoughts of strangers
driving with us in our cars
laughing and falling
into snow
and feelings
deeper than these
we stick to the main roads
freshly plowed
evidence of who has been here
becomes shrouded
search harder
the details are hard to see
try to track down
the owner of each footprint
you will never know more
than their shoe size
and where they were walking
between snow falls

*****

there is a hole
in your jeans
on the left thigh
and i don't know you
so i imagine
a piece of your history
i imagine the cigarette
that fell
from your unsteady hand
at a party
two years ago
where you knew everyone
by name
and the music was too loud
but you could care less
your last beer
is too warm
for your liking
you've got candle wax
dripping from your fingers
(red)
llke blood
and you didn't even feel it burn
through your intoxication
although it remained
beneath your fingernails
for days
and you smiled
when you realized
the hole
left by that cigarette
it adds character
you said
now they are your favourite pair

*****

fall will tell me
every year
what you meant to me
i will slide closer to you
or take one step back
through an imaginary door
to be alone
to be free
to be alive
to be with another
to be still
to shiver alone
and sigh with relief
to take inventory
of my past
and move on.
i never hated you
and i didn't mean
to be so cold

in some ways
i can imagine
that your jealousy
would not exist
and that you would fall with me
every september
with every leaf

it's the winter that challenges my imagination
as i fell everything die
as our freefall ends
in a dull thump
seperated
(i'm not sure if you land
or the wind picks you up
and takes you into a new life.)

*****

i am going to find you
everyone i lost
everything i regretted
i am going to come to terms
you will come around
i have the means to make you see
and i will learn to use it
i will teach you plenty
even you who is so stubborn
you will learn from me
as i have learned from you

i know this
because fall came
right on time again
because the rain began today
and i saw every drop
on the pavement
and no matter who my mother is
i can see this
and the leaves will always be
this beautiful
when summer goes to sleep

(so quickly she slips away
and steals the warmth
from our section of the earth
and allows us reason
to find warmth in each other)

2006-10-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

life is not always easy and we don't always get to have what we want when we want it. it is hard learning that and even harder living it. on your own, it is hard enough, but when another person is involved it is all that much more difficult. there has been a rise and fall in the last year that has left my heart wanting to learn more. wanting to do the right things. wanting not to take lightly matters that have a strong (or minor for that matter) cause and effect. it's important to listen to your own instincts. not to push them away. at least that is what i believe and it's all i've got to go on. it's all i know and it is what i gave up a soul mate for. it's so hard to convey to someone why it's so important to you. how much you would hurt yourself by pushing past your instincts. he doesn't know you that well, but you almost believe you wouldn't recover..

and so i will attempt to practise patience and allow life to take whatever course it is meant for. i trust that more than anything else and i truly feel it is all i have.

my other newest friend

2006-09-30T05:56:00.000-05:00

this week has been filled with nice things. the piano came and i began lessons and practicing everyday. work has begun to pick up. and i made a new friend. and it's so nice. there is something very enjoyable about the companionship of someone new. you're not used to their words and it is nice falling in step with someone. it's nice to check the weather forecast at 5:30 in the morning to plan a day to go to the dogpark together. it's nice to drive back from a family dinner which you attend solo (all the while feeling solo though you don't normally) to sit on the porch with your new friend. to sit on the piano bench with your new friend and be at ease the way you couldn't be with some of your old friends, though you know he is talented. and to laugh in delight at the sound of the doogie howser theme song coming from the piano in an informal lesson.

maybe i will erase this post but i just wanted to say that it's nice. i don't mean i want to date him.

i just want him to be my date for everything maybe.

but it is late.. i should sleep.

my newest friend..

2006-09-25T16:06:00.000-05:00

i have recently welcomed a piano into my life and i am filled with excitement and slight trepidation at the task of learning it. i look forward to having something to practice daily. it may sound strange, but i need to practice practicing. so that i might learn to practice other things that are more subtle than an instrument but just as lovely.

i will enjoy today, looking at the beautiful beast in my home as a world of possibilities. tomorrow my lessons begin and the world of possibilities will crash down around me as i struggle to learn the most simple of things. thus the beginning of the frustration that normally stops me because my mind is grasping at the possibilities in my head that my hands cannot produce. this time i won't stop. i've written down now.

today the piano is beautiful to me. tomorrow it will be uncomfortable to me. and the more time i spend uncomfortable with it, the closer i will be to the possibilities in my mind. for the first time in a long time, i look forward to feeling uncomfortable. the piano came to me at a perfect time. thank you amy.

2006-09-18T22:13:00.000-05:00

today summer fell away and the air got cold again. it was nice wearing socks and putting the heat on in the car after the dog park. a box in my basement revealed itself to me, in honour of the change of seasons, a photograph i thought i'd lost.

it was a photograph of john taken when i first met him six years ago. it has been in the precious things i've lost category for years. it was taken from afar and in my mind he was croutched down cooking us dinner over a fire. my mind froze that frame on its own. the photograph is of him croutched down petting one of sonya's dogs. we were beside the yukon river and one of the dogs had pups. i can still remember how to get there through the campground and then the forest and along that path. i can remember how one of the dogs got away once and we did not recognise it so free until it followed us home and we made dinner over the fire. i can remember missing him when he went away.

i can't write very much more about it for now. it's hard seeing that picture. no one has ever had such a profound effect on me and it's hard to see an image of him when it first started. before he chose a path. when we still could have walked it together. but we didn't and now we'll never go back because we can't.

and as much as it hurts, i don't even want the hurt to go away. it hurts when i can feel myself learning from him and i don't want that to stop. he took time everyday to teach me and he came to my city to live beside me for a bit. if it stops hurting i'm afraid i will forget to keep learning from him..

2006-09-14T10:22:00.000-05:00

i have been realising lately i fear the dissapearance of poetry in my life. i somehow thought that it has to go away one day, like peter pan. it just occurred to me that it doesn't have to. you just have to work hard to keep it. you have to never stop going places you've never been, never stop doing things you've never done, never stop inviting great people into your life whether for a day or a lifetime. you have to not let your career or your partner or your "roles" in life define you away from yourself. you have to bring all of those people/things into who you are rather than evolving away from yourself. do things a different way than you think you're expected to if you have to. everyone will survive.

and it is a relief to realise it. by acknowledging that it is possible to keep that alive, it gives weight to its existance in the first place. someone suggested to me once that i "need" this stuff in my life with a slight negative undertone, the way you would say someone needs drama in their life. and i have thought about it on and off for awhile now, pondering the possibility that they are right and that i am setting myself up for dissapointment when "real life" takes over. but i have come to the conclusion that i do "need" this stuff in my life because it is real life. life can be whatever we make it. i hope to always choose poetry.

the challenge lies in not losing sight. forgetting. getting caught up in day to day and not even knowing that you are starting to believe a new definition of life or of yourself that is really just a coping mechanism. i realised on orcas that i had begun to do it to an extent and though it is frightening that we can do this and not know it, it is also comforting to know again that we can do whatever we want to do if we don't let others set our parameters. it's just not always easy, but that's the difference between never growing up and growing up without ever losing the child in you.

2006-09-10T23:29:00.000-05:00

zackarya

travolta and his truck

from the plane after leaving the island

i made it to orcas. there's not much i can say but to say it was nice. zack met me at the ferry at nite and he was wearing a cordoroy vest. there was a nap by the ocean and a small child put her hand in mine and then our hands in his and kissed both lightly. they do both enchant me and as suspected, going away made me sad.

so that is all i will say for now. my nicest memories of zack in his cordoroy and our nap at obstruction pass.

i left by a small 6 seater plane which is probably best. i sat shotgun and joked with the pilot and laughed to myself that i'd been there at all..

2006-08-25T05:01:00.000-05:00

i needed to seperate a post that is only to continue on. but these get posted in reverse order so if there is a reader, the reader should start with the post below.

anyways, it was amazing. it still amazes me. it still hangs in the air above us. i won't say what other words were there. i allude to nothing because together they neutralize.

i can sort of see the lack of sleep in my words, but i dont' mind so i'll keep going. i almost need the freedom this kind of tired brings because my mind has been wearing on too many details lately.

so the day of work and leisure and the night of rain and john and files and late night errands.. i have enjoyed it all. a 3 am phone call. a running engine on the street.. a whole world goes on while we sleep.

it's quiet and i'm not sure of what to expect of my holiday. i dont' like that word at all, but i'll use it. i go with no expectation and enough time to explore a place i've never been on my own. i'll pick the place when i get there. i have forgotten to tell those i'm visiting that i am coming. mostly it will be a visit and i am happy for that. i miss my Dylan. i was there at his birth. he is my closest connection to some things. and his face is beautiful when he lights up and loves you.

and when the visit is done, i will let myself travel a little. even once back in gimli.

i should sleep but i want to write more some day about why i am torn. it is not in the obvious way or about the obvious thing. and i may not be torn at all, perhaps just curious and a little intimidated by direction.

good to have some time off.

john says..

2006-08-25T04:47:00.000-05:00

well, i leave in several hours and won't list what i have done today in preparation nor what i have to do before my flight leaves in the morning. i will say that there is time for one or two hours of sleep in between and i couldn't ask for anything better.

it seems so appropriate to board a plane tired and worn out and ready to give in to the time off. i have enjoyed my day so much, long as it may be. again, to list details would maybe not be right. it was so much work and so much leisure all at once. a concerned being would have not stopped for leisure and been in bed by midnite but i am not concerned. it rained most of the night. i'm not sure when it started, sometime while i talked to the australian.

John says:
sometimes i feel old without you.
Susan says:
sometimes i feel lost without you.

John says:
it was good to be in love
Susan says:
it was amazing to be in love.

...

2006-08-15T00:50:00.000-05:00

i don't know what to say other than it's getting colder out and the cool air and subtle change of season brought me away and home today.

i can say this here. i miss the australian. not all the time but sometimes. i miss him when i don't know something. because i know he knows. i miss him when he thinks about me because i can feel it.

we talked tonight and it was painful. such beautiful words.. i didn't expect it, but from out of nowhere it hit me. he spoke so gently and i just kept learning with tears running down my face.

2006-08-10T17:08:00.000-05:00

sometimes sweetness drips down into your hand. sometimes your hand touches a face and it's just that there's a fire dying out in the fire pit and the lights are reflecting off of water and you've got that sweetness in your hand. and that's all it is is sweetness in your hand for just a moment.

and sometimes, though this is seperate, someone else tries to wash that sweetness off of your hands. for themselves. and they say that it is for you, but it is mostly for them. because it was only a sweet moment for you. one you wanted to enjoy. and you do your best to understand and so do they. but you wonder at these things. it's only human either way you look i suppose. just dangerous to get too precious about things.

and the contrast is suddenly stunning to you. one more thing settles and you let him sit with it. no need to defend or align yourself with him. you never did either of you any favours that way.

i drove by it all on my way home.

2006-08-05T01:47:00.001-05:00

life returns to normal when hitch hikers leave and then you kind of miss them..

but what is normal really? life is full of enchantment. the drive to gimli was good. amy came with and we sat on the patio and made friends with rodney, who i called rocky for most of the time until he asked for paper and a pen and said, let me write down my name for you. he also added his number which was cute of him. he said he owns more movies on tape then anyone really. cam was working and came to sit with us here and there on his breaks. cam is nice to be around. rocky (rodney) ordered onion rings and i said, that's alot of onion rings for one rocky and someone at the next table smiled and repeated it to themselves. there was an elvis impersonator on stage at the festival and fire twirlers. sean doesn't like when people flood into this town in the summer, but i like it. i love when places come alive.

we sat and watched the end of a janis joplin movie on the beach where they set up the screen in the water. willow walked to the end of the pier and back with us and then played along the shore in the waves in the dark.

i love that i will wake up here tomorrow and not head back to the city for work. stay all day and into the next. and soon sean and i will take possession of the new place and fall will start to happen. we will have a woodstove and beautiful floors that dennis made from salvaged wood. winter will be nice this way. work is slow in winter and i can come out more often.

so i guess sometimes people come in and make your day really great. make you want to go to the corn maze with them or watch the janis joplin movie on the beach with them or go to the ruins with them. but they leave and you just go for a drive instead. stop the car when it strikes you to find things to stain your walls with these days. drop your keys between the house and the step and then get them out again. pretend you don't notice that the nights are getting a little colder.

this life...

2006-07-30T20:48:00.000-05:00

>
willow and i picked up a couple of hitch-hikers on our way back from gimli yesterday. they stayed with me until this afternoon and it was so nice to return the favour for all the people who were so good to me when i was hitch-hiking (or travelling by any means for that matter).

it's hard to know where to begin really. it would be hard to know where to stop as well. so i guess i will just say that life carries people along in such a gracious way sometimes. we had such a great time the three of us. red was coming from tree planting and going to chicago and detroit and other places you should never consider hitching and he will be in my thoughts while he attempts it. francois was coming from whitehorse and going back to quebec city. what else do i say? they were unexpected in my day and i in theirs and we made lunch together and dinner together in my home and hung out on the porch together, went to the windsor and were blown away by the drummer in the blues band that played. i love the moment when you all realise that what you are hearing has just surpassed extraordinary and we all make noise at the same time. every moment was as it should be. and then some.

this is what i love about life. red coming in this morning after a walk to say "looks like it's gonna be another hot one out today!" in his immensely innocent way of speaking which is so lovely and funny at the same time. francois being as sweet as he is in his french accent and the way he sings while he cooks.

there is something beautiful about two strangers being in your home, one cooking food and singing in your kitchen while the other lights candles and loves life enough for everyone. i am blessed to have people like this stand on a road inviting their way into my life for a day.

2006-07-25T17:33:00.000-05:00

my previous post has magically disapeared after clicking delete. it was rubbish. good to write some rubbish sometimes just to see it in plain text to know what it is. there were grains of those words which are true and fair. i am better to look at the reasons i would go. i would go because it is a place i love. because travolta was a good friend to me and a gentleman and because he showed me orcas. i would go because life is too precious to let little things stop us. i would go because i haven't seen the ocean in years now. i would go because the first time i saw the ocean i was in a cab with travolta and suddenly the ocean was there and i asked the cab driver to let us out there not knowing where we were and we both got out and ran in. i would go because i have not gone in a long time. because good people are rare and i love smiling at an old friend.

orcas

2006-07-21T18:42:00.000-05:00

travolta called. zacharia p. leck. from orcas island. it is the best place i have ever been. i dont' know if i can describe it. it's a small horseshaped island off the coast of washington. i arrived on a boat and had to switch boats at another small island on my way. on the island before orcas, travolta showed up to meet me unexpected. i had met him on the train the year earlier. him and matt and i became fast friends and travelled from toronto to vancouver together. matt went up vancouver island fly-fishing. travolta was going to seattle to an underwater welding school. i wandered around out west. and the next time i was out there i contacted him and he said, let's meet on orcas. so i went.

back to the island before orcas. he found me and we must have just smiled. i made friends with a dog and we got on the boat and the water was the bluest i had seen. on my way over, i felt how good the place i was going to was and i was completely at peace. he had an old 67 truck and we drove around the island. we stopped in at people's houses who we didn't know and made dinner and drank wine. we camped at one end of the island. on easter morning zach hid an easter egg in his touque for me.

i won't get into the intensity with which i felt that peace because i don't think it can be described. strange and wonderful things happened and the whole thing was like a dream sequence. even the photo's i have look like someone climbed into my mind while i slept and took pictures.

four years ago travolta called and left me a message that he was passing through winnipeg and said when his train would be in. i got to the station late or the train was early and i couldnt' find him. i asked everyone where he was, all the other people on their one hour stop. i made friends with a group of people who all met travelling and for that hour i was away. the people at the train station were paging him and trying to help me find him. they could see it. i found him just in time. he came up and hugged me and picked me up right off the ground, over and over. everyone around was smiling that we found each other. i said, stay. he said, come. we both wanted both. one of the train staff told him to go get his bag off the train and stay with me. they let me past the gate with him and we got on the train together and sat on the train with each other and it was amazing. we sat there and wanted more time. he went and i stayed and i have not talked to him since.

until today. i had tried a few months ago to reach him but it was an old number and he has always been all over the place. sometimes he's in a jungle somewhere, sometimes he's in other countries. sometimes he's on orcas where he was born.

he has a daughter now. she is 3 and a half and he lives next door to the mother on orcas. they are not together, but it's nice that they live right next to each other and their daughter gets to have them both near.

but now i want to see his daughter and i want to see him and i want to see orcas again. so i will go. i got off the phone and looked up flights. i want to be away. i want to be on orcas. so i will go.

i should go soon.

2006-07-19T22:33:00.000-05:00

life is beautiful sometimes.. i decided at 10:30 last nite to drive out to gimli. i drove in darkness with lightning as my landscape. no rain, just lightning in a dark sky stretched out before me. all around me. i arrived to a note on the door "we're at the beach". and so willow and i went to the beach and the waves were big and we all swam. instantly we were all away from everything usual swimming in the midnite with the waves and the stars and lightening. and we'd laugh..

it was a night with good friends and summer and funny things. i woke up and did not rush back for work. instead rob and susie and i went to indio's while sean slept. we ate on the patio. we read the paper. we were just there. happy.

back to sean's, we all napped and then went back to the beach. i felt work leave my body and my body relax. we all went for dinner and there was a dragon fly on the fireplace on the patio. i came back a couple of hours ago and one side of the sky was rain in the distance like slow motion, on the other side a rainbow. behind me the sky was the kind of dark i love. pthaloe. ahead it was a blue sky. i passed mustard fields after rain. it hurt and i smiled. i faltered and tried to stop stopping.

i came home and spoke to the australian on skype. i have avoided skype for every day since we ended because we fell in love in those days. but he wanted to test his new mic. and just as i suspected, we fall again. we both won't say it, but we just can't help it. we try not to say such nice things to each other. we try not to fall in love with the words on the page and the voice on the other end. i said, i hear your accent when you type. he said, pretty laugh. we tried our best, but we can't help it.

so far my holidays have been stunning..

2006-07-16T13:42:00.000-05:00

if i could go, if i could stand before you just one more time, i'd want to bring with me talents i don't have. i'd want to bring landscapes we've never seen. i'd want to bring a rain storm and strike it up at just the right moment. i would be the conductor of an orchestra. i'd watch your eyes look out from under eyelashes and i would smile and you would smile and our soundtrack would play and we'd fall down happy.

it would be just like last time.

2006-07-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

i just realized that i don't equal faith to him. i represent a betrayal to his faith and i don't know quite what to do with that yet. he said: "I know I can't get what I want or need by talking to you, but I'm doing it anyway". it occured to me a moment ago how absurd it is in my world (and i acknowledge that it is just my world i speak of) that two people can be in love and bring life to each other the way we do and a difference in religion is a wall (!) even though when it comes down to it we live by the same moral cloth basically. i thought that faith is blind. it doesn't matter what you call it. you do your best to live a good life, do right by others and not cause harm and not judge. does it matter what you call it? do you have to call it anything? if there is a force that drives you, something larger than yourself, does it matter if you can't name it? why does he keep contacting me if he can't get what he wants or needs? what is it he wants? why does he need me to worship the same way he does? what if i want to do it in fields and rain storms quietly on my own? am i wrong for that? does it have to be organized? the answer for me is no. i am most content to find my spirituality in the life around me without naming it. what perplexes me right now is that the spirituality that he has chosen is not welcoming of me however i find it in my life. what i have found - and i am never done learning - but what i have found so far is that spirituality represents non-judgement among all the other things it represents. it is one of the big ones. and yet, judgement has been set. i don't make the grade. so why keep talking to me? i dont' mind - i'll accept whatever presence he offers in my life, this is just a thread of thought in my mind. i don't even mind that i dont' make the grade, i just feel like pondering the situation for a bit. holding it in my hand and turning it over curiously wondering at it. it seemed that he was not happy. that he missed me. that he was confused. "just that I know I can get language from you" he said. when he asked if i felt the conversation leading down the path of desire he followed with - ( will she answer truthfully and how will i know? ) i love that. i love the way we speak. the way we backspace. the way we can't help it. but that's messy and he likes clean.

even if he came around. decided it didn't matter, i would know that would change. i would know that it does matter to him and i would not attempt to ignore that. but regardless of the fact that i would not be with him again, i don't want anything else. how do you top that? how do you even come close? i do not say that i will never be with anyone again, just that i don't want it now. and i don't want it soon. i fell in love. with someone who made me a better person. with someone who i always thought i must have imagined. i thought maybe the sun dipped behind a mountain and cast the right shadows and we must have said the perfect things to each other and we must have both been far enough from home to feel such peace. but i will always feel that peace with him, mountains or no mountains, home or far away, young or old. i wanted to see him age. he will be beautiful old.

i want to backspace most of this. there will be heavy editing in the days to come.

2006-07-13T10:35:00.001-05:00

though his goodbye was neither harsh nor cold, it felt definite, and he must have known because while i slept he softened it with a kind word and softer goodbye.

2006-07-13T00:03:00.000-05:00

i just talked to the australian on messenger and it was fantastic. we started up slow for a moment and then abruptly fell into pace again. he said he wanted language so we fell into language for a bit. we know each others language so well and i will always welcome it though i know it will be rare. we admitted to missing each other and the way he said good bye felt like he meant forever. but i've learned to never know. he had to say good bye because he loves me and i love him. and that is beautiful. i'm glad he is willing to look at our words dancing before each other again, if only for a moment.

2006-07-11T21:05:00.000-05:00

i'm tired and feeling a little burnt out but i love life. i can't complain about working all the time because i love what i do. i can't complain about the heat because i love having my windows open and it's worth keeping the air off for. i can't think of anything that would justify complaint. i dont' believe complaint is much justified any of the time actually and i have been trying to eliminate it from my life. what i have found in doing this is that it is difficult but gets easier and easier. we get attached to our complaints. we call it venting and say it makes us feel better but really we just feel better because we have justified negative thoughts and no longer feel as bad about having them. and like a habit that is hard to get rid of it starts out difficult and slowly new habits start to take hold.

it's so challenging eliminating negative elements from our lives and i love the challenge. i'm up for it. i mess up so much every day and it's great just knowing. learning to be patient with myself and with others. learning to get a proper balance. not take anything so far that it becomes negative. learning not to take life too seriously or too lightly. learning that living life is an art. it will take a lifetime to master and i look forward to being old and grey.

the australian emailed again. i thought he wouldn't. i would wonder if he still struggles with his choice but it is not for me to wonder. i had strong thoughts of him right before i got his email and if i am accurate the way i tend to be about his sentiments when i feel them across distances, his simple email held more than it said.

colleen's back

2006-07-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

colleen's back from churchill and she got her house. i have been secretly very stressed for the past couple of days as there were some stumbling blocks with her being away before the finance deadline. it all came together today while some socially inept movers moved some beautiful furniture given to my roomate by her dad and step mom into my living room, while colleen's train was rolling into the winnipeg station, while willow whined in the basement because she couldn't come upstairs and while the recycle truck had to go around the moving truck. jack called and said the approval letter was on it's way and i stood on my front lawn and felt the world lift off of my shoulders. because sometimes a house is just a house but sometimes it's a home and this time it was a home. colleen is my best friend and my partner in crime and her heart would have broken if she came home to find that she'd lost the house. and then mine would have subsequently broken too. and i miss her having her own place. i miss going over there and climbing up on her big bed while she gets ready for work or going over in the morning on a day off and making omeletts and common ground and jokes. we make good jokes her and i. if one of us has a messy house and the other one has a messy fridge one of us might open the fridge and say "your house, my fridge", we tell each other that we can't wait to put a face to the name when one of us is on our way to pick up the other, we used to call stephane's extension at work and if he wouldn't pick up we'd turn the volume way up and put it on speaker phone so that he could hear his own voice mail from across the room. i feel like i've got her back. now we live in the same neighborhood. now we live on each end of the same street. it's perfect.

the train

2006-07-05T22:34:00.000-05:00

my friend just called me from the train. she was moving along tracks somewhere in northern manitoba and i was on my porch on solid ground. i know what sounds she is hearing and how the train will move back and forth while she sleeps. i know how in the morning they will start announcing calls for breakfast and the peace that comes with sitting in the dining car eating overpriced eggs while looking out over the prairies. i know the tired smile that creeps up because the person across from you is a stranger you have made friends with while travelling. she is working so i know it's not the same for her, but i can't help but think of it. the day i took these photos i wrote john and told him that i had found train tracks next to a rising moon and a setting sun and that a passenger train went by and i realized i wasn't on it.

i listened to damian rice today while drinking a latte with a small amount of chocolate in it. it hurt a little. and i love that it did.

2006-07-05T10:04:00.000-05:00

i think i will only work a half day today. not even. i will do only what i need to do and then i will stop. i think work will improve more than suffer with a bit of time off. i think i will take friday off as well as i'm working through folk fest weekend.

i don't mind to miss folk fest. i thought i would go this year and i am partly relieved not to. it's tough going back to a place that was "the best". it was the best four days of my year every year. it was what i looked forward to the most and missed the most when it was over. for years. it's tough to go back. it's got a tall order to live up to.

as i try to take today off the work day keeps grinding its gears into motion and i have to laugh. these three paragraphs have taken over an hour to type. i should go work some so i can try and finish up early.

an unexpected day off

2006-07-03T12:16:00.000-05:00

my clients had car troubles and cannot make it into the city. now i want to do everything with this new found day off. i want to go to the dog park and i want to visit bonnie and i want to see my roommate as she's been gone all weekend and i want to eat a proper meal and i want to sit on the porch with pen and paper and i want to clean my house which should but won't happen..

dog park

2006-07-02T23:31:00.000-05:00

colleen and i took our dogs to the dog park down st. mary's yesterday, near the perimeter. much better than the usual dog park i take willow to. i had not yet discovered this place and it was great. it's like being out in the country. there is a steep cliff down to the river and willow chased down like nothing. no sooner do you wonder how she'll ever make it back up the steep bank does she come racing up effortlessly dripping wet from the river.

summer is filled with so much work that it's nice to take an evening with the dogs and hang out at the dog park. we hung out near the entrance once we had made our rounds and the dogs would come and lie with us until a new dog would enter and then they would go say hello and come back with stories to tell. i told willow she was like a wal-mart greeter. i told her to make sure to ask if anyone wanted a cart. we made a few jokes about rolling back prices and then the sun started to set and we moved on.

back to work tomorrow so i will sleep now. willow is probably still dreaming of samoyes and huskies and river banks. we'll go back soon.

2006-06-30T00:47:00.000-05:00

i would have liked to find some bee's to photograph but all i found were wasps. but i'm sure they work hard too. i took one for the team getting this picture. one stung me but i'm fine.

if i told you how hungry i was you wouldn't even believe me. that's a joke. but i am hungry.

my day kept trying to end in daylight but i found myself still at it in the midnite hour. i stopped by my duplex to finish up a few small things on the last day i own it and opened the fridge only to find a lone red bull. like someone knew how tired i was and wanted to give me a hand. bad idea at night you would think, but i didn't think so, i drank it quick. and if i could go back, i would do it again.

that red bull was like candy.

so i am finally done for the day. not really but i am going to stop working because i'm starting to feel a little bit stupid. bee's wouldn't stop, but i'm not a bee.

it's hot outside, but not as hot as it is inside my house. but the central air remains untouched for the season. i like to tough it out. bee's would tough it out. probably enough jokes about bee's for now..

2006-06-26T00:33:00.000-05:00

i asked if i could come. he said no in a cold draft. so i put on a blanket and said goodbye. and i am glad that i made myself vulnerable, that i put myself in the path of his cold air because i love him. i was given the gift of being in love and it was worth everything that hurts about it. so i will not go to see him. i will not meet his family or see where he lives or sing for him again. but i will go there one day. i will stay away from his city, but now i have to go to that country. that accent will always slay me but i think i should go.

i emailed him two days ago to ask him if i could come, only to better understand and felt great about having asked. until today when i was driving in my car and suddenly a wave came over me, a bad feeling. my stomach sank and i suddenly asked myself why i sent it. felt his cold draft. i glanced down at the clock and realized that he would have just read my email. and although he didn't respond until now, i felt it coming all day. it has always been that way. i feel it across oceans.

and i know that he is hurt and that his love is still there. i know that he misunderstood certain things. i know that he has probably taken steps that lead away from me in a premanant way and that his words will be distanced to keep his comittments. i represent a life he is parting with. i will have to learn to understand on my own.

so i miss him sometimes..

2006-06-23T23:33:00.000-05:00

i miss him. i miss his name in bold in my inbox. i miss his accent across the line. i miss his top lip and his beard always coming through regardless of razors. i miss how he'd talk sweet to me. i miss his david brent impressions and his laugh.

most of the time i just drive in my car and sing and enjoy wind in my hair. most of the time i don't think of it. and when i do i am mostly just grateful to have had any of my days that were about him. but every now and then, i just miss him. i guess that's how it goes..

because sometimes the world finds me in it. not the world i love but the world that i understand exists. and when it does, i miss him. i will say it often in this moment because i don't usually say it.

one time he wrote me a verse. many, but one line that i loved, among the many was "I miss her like crazy and wine." i miss him like crazy and wine.

i wonder about how he is. i like to imagine he's out for coffee with danny on a patio somewhere. smiling and making a joke. enjoying his days. it makes me sad to think that i will keep my preferred imagination of him when he may not be out for coffee with danny at all. it sounds funny and it is at a glance. but it's true. i just can't say how.

and if he were to imagine me it may be winter in his mind. i may be at the conservatory. i may be on the midtown bridge. i may be in my home with him at my side. or maybe he has allowed a change of seasons in his mind. maybe i am on the porch with my dog. maybe i am in my summer clothes. maybe my hair has grown longer.

he said, i want you to come and you want to come, but don't come. he faltered and asked if i had gotten enough from him. he said by taking his path he was giving me up.

in my reply, i had to stay hidden because it is not for me to say certain things. so i told him that what i have to say is unqualified under some skies and so rain clouds will form and then rain and eventually it will just become a part of everything else. i'll visit in mustard fields.

and so we ended in beauty as we began. and i tend to let things go when it's time. and i feel like i need to take his hand for one moment more. put my hand on his back for one moment more. so if the time is near, i will let go. i think i have for the most part. but i want him to feel the warmth of me once more. even if only in word. i should be going there. he should not decide so quickly. it will not be us together, but i think i should go. i can let go of him and i will, but i can't seem to let go of him so easy. not without understanding.

work mind

2006-06-21T22:00:00.000-05:00

my work mind is taking over and i'm wondering where the other is. the moment i say this i remember i am not finished work for the evening.

work interlude...

done. sort of done. i'll call it done. you see how the work mind takes over and no thoughs of mustard fields enter..

i really don't want to speak of the days events or what the gears in my mind are coming up with right now. i am still in work clothes and i should -- i have just stopped to work more. i can't leave it, i'm like a moth to a light where work is concerned right now and my non-work mind is suffering for it!

so i will retire to the porch with the dog and imagine dusk.

muddy

2006-06-17T02:15:00.000-05:00

i ended up in wisconson by accident today. if you're ever driving home from minneapolis/st. paul, take interstate 94 WEST not east. how did i not notice? i kept wondering, where is st. cloud?

it's been a day of driving and turning around and driving more. i love to drive. i'm a driver.

two things i noticed this week. first, i need to not only buy a map, but also look at it from time to time. second, social graces are important and lack of them makes me uncomfortable.

so i left a day early.

i noticed more than two things this week. the air smelled like wood and when i was in wisconson i passed a lake that smelled so much like a lake that it was worth the detour. i noticed that i love to drive alone. this i knew but it has been awhile since i've been more than an hour from the city. i was glad i could not afford to fly and made a mental note that if i ever can afford to fly that i should drive anyway. i noticed that good people are good and that socially inept people make it very difficult to know them.

morning will come quick and the day will be busy. so i will sleep. and dream of conversations that flow with ease and the mississippi river.

2006-05-30T22:55:00.000-05:00

would i go? probably i would. because that's what i do. i do things that don't make sense. because they make sense to me. a bit of breaking in my heart has usually done me good. he will set a stage and let things be wonderful. and we will fight some days. and i will think i want to leave and then he will turn soft and we will enjoy the set he built for my visit. we will enjoy a bit of make believe. make believe things are really this way. and we won't let on that we know it's all fleeting. we will play together and tempt each other and comfort each other and then fall apart from each other again. i will meet his family and i might fall in love with them or them with me. we will raise the stakes a little. me, because it is what i do. he, because he holds out hope that i will take his hand and walk with him. but we will do it because it is what we do. i would do it simply for the purpose of keeping a child in him alive for a little bit longer. enjoying him while its possible in case he ever closes to it. keeping the parts of me he roused again awake. it might sound ridiculous to go, but it's more ridiculous to back down against absurdity when there is life to be gained.

2006-05-30T02:56:00.000-05:00

i just begin to deconstruct it and the phone rings and on the other end is a voice i recognize and he says in his australian accent, "it's john". and it's john.

i will try and say what i would say if i could say it..

the root of what you say is right. i believe in it at it's root. it is the extent to which you take those things that begins to do damage. it begins to take away the child in you. it begins to make you calculating. the root is right. and worth all it's worth, which is everything. but i can't undo the extent to which you have learned to believe that you should take those things. and i can't be your partner while you undo those things.

i'll stop there because that's all i want to say. i acknowledge that it is only my perception. i acknowledge that there are things i still do not understand.

he wants me to go there still. it would be excrutiating. and i've been known to do excrutiating things. but i won't back down. i won't go back and forth and i don't mean geographically. i'll take the excrutiating.

if the fine line starts splitting and our dance becomes survival..

2006-05-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

i loved an australian and now he is gone. he is not gone. he is gone from my house, gone from my days. he is out of earshot from my words and i from his. slowly i would like to deconstruct the beauty of it all into words. i try to start sometimes but i'm not sure where it started. i'm pretty sure it was before i met him. but even if we start there, what part? when he first saw me but i had not yet seen him? do i talk about the dog i knelt to pat on the porch of the coffee shop. do i mention josef's truck? the bruce springsteen tape that i loved? (yes, i loved a bruce springsteen tape). do i mention the time he kissed me by the yukon river? or the woman who had had too much to drink who saw it before we did?

or do i start where we saw it. when was that? on the ferry, at the shipwrecks, in midnite twilight, in absence, in writing? i suppose it was in all of these places. where it began it's ending i don't care to trace yet. not today. one day.

we wrote back and forth like a long thread of words that are like red wine and things that are rich and to be savoured. and like a circular object might travel across that thread if held at the right angle he simply reached up to grab hold and came to me effortlessly.

his eyes were peaceful. his top lip was perfect. his head was nearly shaved and it took me a moment to recognize him, though i knew him right away. it had been five years. i could feel his eyes on me, his relief. my relief. i could feel how loud the lights in the airport were following his 30 hours of travel. when we pulled up behind my house i felt like he was where he should be. i think he felt it too. it was right for him to have come. relief again.

the dog barked but that doesn't matter. he wore a black shirt and with every passing minute i recognised him more and more. i knew i would have fallen in love with him anyway. i told him once that i would have loved him at fourteen or nineteen or twenty-four. i forgot to mention that i would love him at ninety-four, though i know it to be true.

and we fell into life together. for three weeks we lived a mix of simplicity and intensity. we ate every meal across the table from one another. that is not as small as it seems. not for me. after each meal we just stared at each other. sometimes for a long time. before one of us would make a small satisfied noise and get up to clear our plates.

we went for coffee most days. he taught me about good coffee. the conversation would sometimes get intense. our differences dancing different rythms before us. i don't say 'differences' in the usual sense. we aren't that different. yes, we are, but again, not the way most might mean that. this is only what i believe, but i think our differences were learned. at our best, at our most natural, we are the same. in transition, absorbed in a learned way of life, whether mine or his, differences appeared. they were like spears and they cut me in my throat and in my heart and sometimes my skull would feel the blades bearing down. one time so hard that my body let go to tears leaving me unable to do anything to stop them.

it's true that i wanted those differences to stop showing up in the form of a blade. it's true that i believed that they could. because they were always there and when the blade stayed sheathed those differences were stirring each other. we were reminding each other about the things we had forgotten. they were bringing out the best parts of each other. they were doing the work a thousand blades could not accomplish in a life time. it's just what i think..

though i continued to learn. i had begun to realize that if we were to be together for a lifetime, i would need to learn the things he had been learning. i would need to find a similar path in order to walk with him. not because i needed to, but because he needed me to. and i was willing to walk it with him if it was in my heart to. and i wanted it to be in my heart. i wanted to put my hand in his and just go..

i will pause to say that he was so kind to me. so gentle. he told me once when we first began writing again; "if I was around you, there in Manitoba, it'd be hard not to want to be about you - you know that don't you? I'd want to keep you real safe, out of the cold - I'd want to keep you warm." and he did. he kept me safe. he kept me warm. while he was here, i was taken care of. i'd never even wanted that before. for the first time, it felt right to be taken care of. and i don't mean financially or domestically. just taken care of. a man who would put his hand on my back in the morning and say that he needed to make sure he took care of me properly. a man staring right into me with only love. a man who asked me to mend his sweater and who looked at me when i was done and loved me so much for it even though it was a terrible job. even though i'm not good at mending sweaters. a man who saw light in me. a man who drew light out of me.

his last day with me was perfect. i'm not talented enough to describe it the way it really felt so i will just trust that the reader will take my word for it. it was perfect. and it hurt.

and then he left. i won't speak of his departure because only the young girl who watched could really tell it properly. but i returned home and felt his plane leave ground. i don't want to say more about that. there isn't more to say. i loved him.

i will say more but that's enough for now..

it's been awhile...

2006-05-22T23:45:00.000-05:00

it's been awhile since i wrote here. or wrote at all for that matter. i should be careful with that. best to write..

so i'll stay away from how busy work has been and briefly state that i am happy. tired sometimes. overwhelmed some days, though i know not to be. just stuff.

it was nice to spend some time without work this weekend. good to catch up on sleep and nice to sit down before it all starts again and write a bit. like always, when you take a break it's hard to get back in. writing is what i'm referring to, though i'm sure the same applies to work. i must remember to know how to get back in always. it's just that the thoughts hit me when i'm driving down a highway and the mustard seeds are starting to colour the landscape against a sky that might storm or in the city when there is a child doing something magnificant that makes me smile out loud. some days i'm close to a coffee shop and some days i'm not. some days i drive out to the brady landfill just to drive somewhere..

time seems to be passing by quicker than i might like.

i keep writing things that shouldn't make it onto the page and then needing to backspace because they are not important or they are rust from not writing.

off to sleep i go, rust in my wheels..

endings and arithmatic

2006-04-18T18:16:00.000-05:00

endings like beginnings have their merit. i should be sad but i'm not. i should feel something, but i don't. maybe once he's out of my view, like at the airport. maybe when he's safely behind the frosted glass at the departure gate will i find the hurt. but for now, i am under the influence of his empty goodbye. lacking in emotion. no, this is not true, it pulled some anger out of him. that he can keep, still leaving me at numb.

and so i continue on my own.. he made me a better person. truly. i am grateful for the whole experience and it is perhaps better to have an abrupt end than have things really turn destructive. i have to trust that he reacted emotionally and did not lose love.

i did not lose love. i gained love. for him, mine may need to be nursed back into the place in my heart where he will stay. for the world it has grown leaps and bounds. i need to work hard to keep it. with him that was easy. even if it was through negative things sometimes, him in my life made me aware. i want to work hard to keep that. i hope i brought something to his life that he will want to keep as well. invisible keepsakes.

i suppose i should go take a picture for today. wait for the emotions to come..

road flares

2006-04-14T21:10:00.000-05:00

life goes on, as the fabric weakens in parts and divides the day. into the part of day you don't think of him and the part when you allow a few moments of reflection. try and decide if you are still angry or if you ever were. was your reaction natural, was it instinct? and you know that time and maybe some words and sentiment will go a long way with the needle and thread and strengthen that bit again. but you can't help but wonder what it means. do you want in or out? did it change anything?

it didn't change anything of course, but perhaps brought about some needed reflection, shed some light on what was already there. put a flare along the side of a road you didn't want to know about. if ever enough flares end up on that road, it will be a well lit path. away.

i wonder at the differences between us.

2006-04-10T22:31:00.000-05:00

i want to have my hands in soft dirt. i want to be outside on the porch when the days and nights get this warm. i want to appreciate nice use of language. i want to let myself walk through whatever i need to walk through. i want to do these things regardless of the rest of it. i just want to do these things.

i don't want to forget about hands in dirt. bare feet. beauty in pain. i don't want to lose touch with allowing the things that want to be allowed. i don't want to feel bad for feeling whatever comes natural. i don't want to lose too much in rules. i want not to ignore the guidance of instinct. i don't want to replace it with anything else. i just want to practice listening.

i want to find a proper balance. i want to enjoy life. i want to learn all i can.

anticipation

2006-04-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

it gets difficult sometimes. when outcomes don't meet expectations. when expectations form at all.. you try not to expect but it creeps in anyhow. so, you take stock, you step back, you relinquish control (as if you had it in the first place) and accept a different outcome..

it creeps in anyhow.. it doesn't really matter what we say, it's "anyhow" that seems to matter. i smile for the first time in awhile today to think of it. let what happens happen. i'm fine with that. i'm ok to be dissapointed. i'm ok to be sad for a moment before figuring out the next step. the new plan.

it's the little things to enjoy. the anticipation of expectation. taking a walk through the exchange district with a coffee instead of working on a wednesday afternoon while you wait for an answer.

it is perhaps a day of disenchantments, but there is enchantment in that too.

i guess it is when disenchantment loses all enchantment that we need to move on. let go of its sources. but as long as it keeps it's texture. as long as it doesn't keep you. as long as you are willing to keep moving with it. it can just be a part of your day. it can be the styrofoam cup in the river that you walked by while waiting.

leisure suit larry

2006-04-03T21:19:00.000-05:00

i'm glad for this time. my office is in a new room, the girl made the coffee right today, there was time for coffee today..

things i enjoyed most today were: the coffee that was made correctly. the waitress being genuinely happy that i enjoyed the coffee. the weather, more specifically the light and the air. the fresh bread and avacado lunch. helping a new agent get into my listing because he didn't yet have a lock box key. remembering how i excited i was before i got a lockbox key.

sometimes i touch my dog's head and feel lucky to have this little creature walking around my house, eating out of her bowl and wagging her tail at me. lately i have been touching my own head and feeling lucky to be a little creature roaming around on this earth. i think i've been asleep for awhile, forgetting to see my days as possibilities, forgetting to appreciate.

so now i am remembering. that there is not much point in worrying if it can't change anything. that when i don't feel very happy it is only because people don't always feel happy, that learning is important and consistancy in character is worth maintaining. that i love life.

and so if it's like i was asleep, it's also like i woke up somewhere else. on a boat or a train or a passenger seat. i woke up amongst movement and landscape. i woke up in love.

putting winter to bed

2006-04-02T18:10:00.000-05:00

so as a new month begins, a new season and these writings also surface. thanks bon (bonnie introduced me to this medium). a new thing for me, a place to write that is not just mine.. i am interested to see what arises from writing more publically.

sunlight is coming through sheer curtains and outside the trees are moving enough to make that light dance a little. it reminds me of water and summer.

the snow is melting and the weather is softening more each day. i will try not to speak about what else may be happening. try to stay away from the days events, though they have been pleasant. stick to a changing season and that sunlight on my walls.

winter starts out every time with fresh snow underfoot, that sound and feeling we know so well. a comfort. comfort in the warmth of furnaced rooms, hoar frost, the way cheeks get red and cold to the touch but our bodies seem happy, up for the challenge. sometime later, the layers get hard. the roads form ruts and we get into them. snow is so opaque. cold air starts to thieve. winter loses it's charm. and then, right on time, the sunlight starts to dance a little, you leave your jacket at home, the dog starts to shed more..

i set my clock forward an hour, saving daylight. the difference between here and there got bigger.

it really does amaze me every time winter goes to sleep. i enjoy the mania of our seasons. like children and swings, enjoying the changing sensation of movement. flight when they are used to ground. appreciation. you just have to move on before you stop loving each thing. how much of that is learned and how much is intinctual i wonder. i'm not sure of that answer. indulgance is grey area. nature takes care of the seasons for us, making nothing so hard that we lose too much happiness, but not so easy that we forget to appreciate. the rest is all trust i guess. we all get scared and try to stay in our favourite seasons..