i am finding out that i am happy. i am trying to let go of all the things i never really know i'm holding onto. i am feeling loneliness leave my body. it's being replaced with love. not only from chris. from the people who couldn't permeate me quite as well when i kept up such a high guard. from my parents. from friends who are becoming like family. from people who are almost strangers.

it's what i wanted for so long. family. i was looking for it in the wrong places. i was feeling let down. i was building walls and alliances with solitude. i believed it was what i was most cut out for.

it's what some people loved in me. i am not sure if they will still love me as i move away from that solitary life, time will tell. my days feel richer with the love family brings. not monthly or weekly visits, but a daily presence. i want children. i still find my time alone vital and enjoyable, but i want to spend it in the garden or in our home. i love creating a space for us to raise children in, gather with friends and family in, grow old in..