everything makes me sad today. everything makes my heart ache. the unknown. a photo of my cousin standing. track 11. my dad getting older.

and at the same time i feel calm. of all the times i have loved being on my own, i am so glad to not be on my own now.

i feel like something is coming. something sad. there are all sorts of small endings inching it closer. i just want to stop time here. slow things down. enjoy life with everyone i love.

when i was in italy last year, i sat alone at a table at an outdoor restaurant in rome, near vatican city. an excerpt from my journal; when i look beside me, i see green and wrought iron and lanterns and old buildings with shutters and vines that creep arched openings that spill out with plants and flowers. the top of what might be a church. blue sky. one red flower. the wind is light and it feels like roberto's kisses. i want to stay right here, in this moment. i am overwhelmed with how badly i just want life to pause right here. tears come from nowhere. from forgetting to be kissed. from happiness. from gratitude. from relief that i finally remembered to stop. from knowing that if i could really pause here, i would always have my parents, i would always be young, i would know that later today a beautiful man would look at me and kiss me. and so this becomes a moment where life stops. a moment where life begins again.

that moment was like a precursor. a gift. a reminder to give thanks. to enjoy what you have while you have it. i cried so hard on that patio in rome, without knowing where it was coming from. the poor waiter didn't know what to do. i was the only one there and he just let me be. i left light as air.

looking at the date of that entry, it was almost exactly a year ago today. it has been on my mind lately.. no matter where you are, there fall is.