we start out rusty. all the small talk in the world cannot unfold us. and then the familiar sound of skype ringing. i can't hear him but he can hear me. i type anyway. can't help but to laugh sometimes and it unfolds him.

it's how we started last time on skype. only i could hear him, he could not hear me. he was less shy and spoke as i typed back to him. i loved it. i will try to be less shy next time..

i think he wants to tell me something.

return of the jedi

so as my plane departed, john wrote some words and i could not receive them properly from away. but i am back and now it is time to back off from any defenses and consider it because it is love. love deserves consideration..

i have been trying to write to him but it is hard to write to him. i need to try to sort it out. it's hard because i am a mess compared to then. it's hard because i worked too much. because i want what he can give me but i'm also afraid of it. he requires so much of me and i don't feel strong. i feel hard. i never meant to be this hard. i never meant to be this tough.. i want to be softer. i think he can give me that. a place to be softer. stronger.

so here are the plus'.

no, let's end with the plus'. here are the negatives..

i worry that his lifestyle is too strict for me. i worry that he will find me to be too messy for him. in every way. i worry that he will privately hope, worse, believe that i will become buddhist. that in his heart, he will go in not actually accepting me but just believing i will come around. having faith that it will happen. i want to be able to not always be strong because i am not always strong. some of his beliefs are difficult for me. i have to stop because i recognize that the rest of it is different ways of saying the same things.

the plus'..


i was happier with him than i am now. i was happier with him than i was ever. or at least as happy as my happiest. i was open. i was softer.

today in the car on the way back from the lake, charlie tried so hard to get to ride on my lap. he doesn't love the car but puts up with it really well considering. he needs to glue himself to whatever is near him, but the only thing that really calms him is if it is a beating heart he leans into. he just wants a beating heart nearby. and this morning as i read my book in the morning at the lake and my mom turned on cjob and started the coffee brewing, just her footsteps near and the sound of her moving about calmed me. it was before his email, but i recognized twice before coming home the value of a beating heart nearby.

and the value of order. the order in johns life scares me. and yet, it is also what i want, in proper measure. i feel better around my parents as they keep everything in order and do things right. i don't like being in disorder..

i'll only post this briefly and then erase it i think.. i'm laughing because i am fairly certain only one person really reads this thing.

excerpts from europa - part 1

september 9, 2008

i am sitting on a plane in Chicago. in eight hours i will be in germany. i'll finally cross that ocean. and what will find me over there, i have no idea. already it is different as they make the welcome announcements in german. the english version is charming. the pilot is expecting a very... uh.. on time flight. we will arrive early because of strong tail winds the entire flight. i like to think of a strong wind pushing me there.

it is a relief to be going and a relief to not know where i am going once i am there. i look forward to the strangers and the food and the way things will smell different and i'll come back and it will hurt a little when something reminds me.

it is the beginning and it has been a long time. i won't mention anything from home in this book. in this book i am in europe.