i meant to get more done but the house feels warm regardless. i know that i am on my own and there are moments of such comfort in that. sometimes you wonder about more. and it wears you out a little. and so when you realize that there is nothing there, it feels like relief to be on your own.

it's strange how much in my car alone or walking down a sidewalk where sun comes through trees and weave the way with sun and shade, i feel such romance in life. and yet with humans it's so rare. it's everywhere and it's there so often, but seems to disappear in the presence of those who look for it. not to say he looked for it. but i think he at least wanted to. i think at minimum, he was disappointed that he didn't want to come closer.

and it's not that i didn't want to see it. i just don't want to have to look for it. i want to not be able to look away. i want to steal every glance i can. i want to feel anticipation from across a table. i want to want.

it's so strange how you can have such ease with some and such little ease with others..

it's been a productive day, but that's not what i want to say.

there's so much left to do.

still not what i want to say..

i wish i could create music like the stuff i listen to as i write. if i could, that is what i would be doing now.

getting closer..

i'd never leave, i'd never stop leaving, i would find open windows everywhere..

but i'm sitting here and the windows are closed. the inside door is open and that's a start.

getting colder..

i feel let down. i know that's my own responsibility.

everytime i let it go, i have to let it go again. one day i want it to let go instead.

that's all, that's not all.